KuroSongz Unplugged
by AScytheToDieFor
Summary: A oneshot crack collection. Our favorite Kuroshitsuji characters submit themselves to the songs of our generation, creating all sorts of crazy awkward situations. And somehow, they manage to change the lyrics of modern day pop songs...and sing them, Kuroshitsuji style! Rated T for dance moves, minor language, smooching, and slight innuendo. Enjoy!
1. Hollaback Earl

**Ok. For those of you who have already seen this author's note, I'm going to change things up a bit. Here we go.**

**This was originally a oneshot story. I had always wondered what it would be like if Ciel got his hands on some modern music. So I wrote a fic for it. Then, about two days after posting it, I decided that I wanted to turn this into a oneshot collection. BEAR WITH ME.**

**Each chapter of this will be an unrelated oneshot (unless specified in the fic). Each chapter will also include parodied lyrics to some popular songs.**

**If you have a suggestion for a song that you would like the Kuroshitsuji characters to shake their groove things to, comment it. I'll definitely take you up on your offer.**

**I'm rating this story T, just in case. It'll most likely be for dance moves. I don't normally put language in my stories. If I do, hell and damn are the only words I use. You can handle that. Easy stuff.**

**Thanks for suffering through that way-too-long author's note!**

**Disclaimer: Kuroshitsuji= Yana Toboso. Hollaback Girl= Gwen Stefani. Poopy.**

**Enjoy!**

Ciel Phantomhive had been living for a long time. He'd seen everything the world had to offer, from demons, to shinigami, to witches and werewolves. He'd solved cases galore, he was a revered and feared watchdog, and the aristocrat of evil to the queen. He'd become a demon, for heavens and hell's sake. But he would never, EVER, understand the perplexity that was modern music.

In the 1980's, Ciel decided to move to prosperous America, superpower in a world that was much different in the Victorian Age. The young earl prided himself in his ability to stay with the times, for he had done it for more than a lifetime at this point. He and his ever faithful servant bought a large house in a small state, Virginia, to be exact.

The house was made of brick, just like the old Phantomhive manor. It had plastic windows and shades, and was a quaint place. Ciel liked it very much, though he would never ever admit it. The house, after all, was Sebastian's choice.

He was still a businessman. After all, the former earl could not do anything else in this time but go to school, which he was not keen on at all. Especially after Weston College. He decided to become another toy shop owner, and he had stores all over the country. Concealing his identity and age were not a problem, he just had a man pretend to head the company. This man, of course, was sworn to secrecy.

Ciel was bored. Very bored. He was usually busy, so it was not often he was bored, but when he was bored, he was VERY bored. His elbow was bent and he rested it upon the desk, letting his head loll to the side on his palm. He moaned loudly. What to do, on such a dull and lifeless day? Should he bother Sebastian? Chances were, the bloody demon was doing something useful. Should he ask his new chef for some cookies? He was probably doing something as well. Maybe he should actually do the paperwork that required a lot of his time and attention. Nah, that was boring. Suddenly, an idea struck him like a long and hard metal baseball bat. Ouch.

He had heard of a website that others seemed to enjoy a lot. YouTube, it was called. This website was a place where YouTubers gathered subscribers like cult followers, and you could watch videos in a variety of different genres like music, comedy, and even trending vids. Ciel pulled out one of those newfangled gadgets, laptops, and typed in the URL. Tapping his fingers, he waited for the browser to load the page. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

A page with several bright colors appeared. Under the website name, Ciel saw a variety of different video clips. He noticed some weird screen names…Smosh, Pewdiepie, ChaoticMonki, Nigahiga, Shane Dawson...the list went on and on.

He decided to first browse the music section. Ciel, being a proper and well bred Victorian child, had never been accustomed to the lewd songs of the present day. He was used to the refined touch of an Austrian pianist, the light singing soprano of a violin. Not to the odd wobbly voices of 21st century singers.

The first video that popped up under trending featured a picture of a chick. She had short blondish brown hair, and seemed to be wearing NO CLOTHES while riding a wrecking ball. How indecent, showing so much leg. Ciel shivered, wisely deciding to skip the song, knowing what the girl was like. His Victorian principles had no intention of sitting through 3 minutes of naked people licking things that would normally be found in garages. Or in the arms of flamboyant shinigami. Besides, he had seen this girl perform on TV, at the VMAs. The earl would never unsee what he saw that day.

He kept scrolling through the trending song list, looking for a title that interested him. A couple caught his eye, but he decided against looking at them. Ciel had a feeling that there would be one song that would capture his attention. And soon he found it. "Hollaback Girl" by a lady named Gwen Stefani.

Ciel clicked on the video, and began to watch.

Ciel Phantomhive was speechless.

What. In. The. Name. Of. Queen. Victoria. Was. That.

That song was undoubtedly one of the most insane songs the earl had ever had the pleasure (or displeasure) of hearing. Seriously, what the bloody hell? It was so rude, so loud, so disgusting...he felt himself squirming.

I AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL, I AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL.

And to make matters worse, it was stuck in his head. GREAT.

It had been at least two hours since Ciel had seen the video. Two bloody hours, and it was still stuck in his head. He couldn't go a single place in his big Virginia house without hearing a constant refrain of the chorus. It was as if he had a nest of singing bumblebees implanted in his brain.

So he did what normal people do when they get songs stuck in their pretty little heads. DANCE IT OUT!

Ciel got up from his desk. In America, he had taken to wearing what the children called 'emo clothes', basically black jeans with chains and black t-shirts. Ciel, ever proud and insolent, thought he looked very good in them, thank you. The chains jangled as he ran to stand in the middle of the room. Ciel opened his mouth and began to sing…

With one problem. He had successfully changed the lyrics to the song. Oh no.

"I AIN'T NO HOLLABACK EARL!

I AIN'T NO HOLLABACK EARL!"

He sang the chorus over and over again while pirouetting in circles around the room. Ciel stopped to click his heels in glee as he resumed the chorus of the song (unfortunately, it was the only part he could remember).

He danced for an entire half hour. He practiced moves from the disco to the dougie. He shook his arse and jumped high enough to make the floor shake. He used his cane as a pole and pole danced, for heavens sake. He was all worn out at the end of it, and the blasted song still ran it's way through his head. That's when he went back to YouTube, his new favorite website. Maybe Smosh could teach him some dance moves...

"Young master, may I ask why you are twerking on your lamp?!"


	2. Sebby Back

**Oneshot numero dos! Yippee.**

**Disclaimer- Kuroshitsuji is all Toboso- san's. SexyBack is Justin Timberlake's. Oh, how I wish I could bring MY sexy back. But I think it's gone forever.**

It had been at least two weeks since Sebastian, regal and retrospective butler of the Phantomhives, had walked in on his young master, his boss, his demon companion. And what was the 'boy' doing? TWERKING. TWERKING ON A LAMPSHADE. It was fair to say that he was partly disgusted (and maybe a bit turned on) after seeing Ciel Phantomhive shaking his boo thang on a piece of furniture. Had he really sunk this low during the last century? Apparently, the answer was yes. How unfortunate. What kind of a Phantomhive butler was he? A dirty one.

Anyway, the aforementioned butler had also heard some of the song that his bocchan was singing. 'Hollaback Earl', was he right? After reprimanding his butler for the 'oh so scandalous' behavior, Sebastian proceeded to look up the song on his laptop. He was mentally and emotionally scarred after that experience. Oh dear.

It was Saturday, and his day off. Sebastian didn't know what to do. Since Ciel had freed him from his duties for the day (and taken his WalMart list to the store himself) the demon butler's errands had been cleared for the day. Usually, on days like this, Sebastian went to the nearest adoption center to pet cats, then returned home (but not before brushing his tailcoat off and thoroughly examining himself for hair.)

Today, for some odd reason, the adoption center that he frequented was closed. He was lying on his back on the four poster bed in the servant quarters, staring at the ceiling and wondering what he should do to alleviate himself of the boredom that he had only felt one or two times before.

He pulled out his laptop and Google searched "How to get rid of boredom". Sebastian waited before pressing the search button, his gloved hand wavering over the keyboard. He thought for a moment, then gained the confidence to press the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button. Might as well be a daredevil on your day off, right?

The site that popped up contained a long list. Sebastian closed his eyes and took a deep breath before scrolling down the webpage and letting go of the cursor. Whatever sentence the cursor remained on, he would do today, the day his master was away…

The butler opened his ruby red eyes and moaned. His cursor was resting on "#69- Dance to a sexy song". Why did fate hate him? Oh right. HE WAS A BLOODY DEMON.

Sebastian intended to stay true to the website. After all, Ciel had always told him to never lie. If he did not accomplish this horrible task, that would be a form of lying, right? And who knew what would happen if Ciel found out that the contract had been breached? All hell would break loose, that's for sure. The demon decided not to take the chance.

He traveled to YouTube and typed in 'sexy songs'. Sebastian noticed that his heartbeat was racing like a rabbit's, and his palms were wetting his satin gloves. What if this song was...provocative? That would be horrid and indecent for such a proper butler of such an important estate. But, a pact was a pact, A CONTRACT WAS A CONTRACT.

The first song that came up was called "SexyBack, Justin Timberlake ft. Timbaland." Sebastian cringed. The name itself sounded rather...disreputable. He decided to first listen to the song before busting his moves. In that way he might be more...prepared for the various outcomes.

Four and a half minutes later, Sebastian was floored. Nobody told him he had a theme song! This song described the deadly, hellish, and downright naughty life the butler lived. He smirked. Now it was time to dance. He was ready.

Sebastian removed his gloves with his teeth, as usual. He unbuttoned his tailcoat and the white shirt underneath it, and sat both articles of clothing on the back of the chair. Soon, Sebastian's dress pants joined the mess, and he was left in nothing but his black (predictable) boxers. Thank goodness nobody was around to see him.

Sebastian reloaded the song. He positioned himself to dance, and as soon as the opening bars of SexyBack began to play, he prepared himself to sing as well. It was time to change things up a bit.

"_I'm bringing Sebby back _

_Them other demons don't know how to act_

_You have a contract, what's behind your patch? _

_If it's a covenant you're my demon snack."_

Sebastian sang in his smooth tenor, running muscular and strong hands up his own bare chest. He paused after the verse to look at himself in the mirror above his dresser. He gave himself a sultry predator's glare, and blew his reflection a kiss.

_Phantomhive _

_I know you want me, Ciel don't be shy _

_I'm a butler, baby I'm your slave_

_It's just that no one makes me feel this way _

Sebastian raised his voice to a falsetto (a deep, sexy, MANLY falsetto, thank you very much.) He was really getting into this dance now. His man-hips swayed seductively as the butler wrapped his arms around his very own lamp, giving it a stare that would make any girl squeal in delight. He began to stroke the lampshade as he began the chorus.

_Come here earl_

_Come to the manor_

_You're with Sebby_

_Demons ARE me_

_Let me see who you're working with_

_Look at that dress_

_You make Claude smile_

_But your soul's mine_

_And get your Sebby on_

_Get your Sebby on_

_Get your Sebby on_

_Get your Sebby on_

_Get your Sebby on_

_Get your Sebby on_

_Get your Sebby on_

_I'll make sure Trancy's gone._

Sebastian waggled his finger teasingly at the lamp, then let go of it and began to sashay towards the window. He brought his arms up above his head, and began to make slow twirls around the room, stopping every once and a while to give another sultry look to his reflection.

And that's when the young master walked in, and promptly dropped a bag of groceries on the ground.

"SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS! WHAT THE HELL?!"

**AN: I wonder what it is with the Phantomhive household and their lamps. Makes me wish I was furniture.**


	3. Paparazzi

**Paparazzi is my favorite Lady Gaga song ever (besides LoveGame. LET'S HAVE SOME FUN THIS BEAT IS SICK, I WANNA TAKE A RIDE ON YOUR DISCO STICK!" I'm sure you see why.)**

**So...what happened to Ciel at WalMart during the second chapter? I'll give you a hint...our favorite cyclops is about to meet a certain blondie...**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Kuroshitsuji. I also don't own Paparazzi. Boxed cereals belong to their respective owners, except for Box Of Soulz. That belongs to Amberstar of Randomclan and I. And WalMart belongs to whoever the heck owns that place.**

**PS: Whoever gets the Soul Eater reference gets Sebastian cookies.**

Ciel Phantomhive is NOT "weak."

If he was weak, would he have summoned the devil itself? NO. Did he break down when his parents died in the fire? NO. Did he fail to raise Funtom, a renowned toy company, from his father's tomb? NO. Did he dwell on the demons of the past, and leave no room for the future? HECK NO.

Then why did Sebastian speak to him as if he could not manage a single thing on his own? He was a child prodigy, a miracle. He had done things in his short lifetime that many adults could not manage without breaking down. He had been strong, been brave, been crafty and dastardly and so many other things. He was the great Ciel Phantomhive.

Yet Sebastian insisted on performing menial tasks for him, as if the young boy could not accomplish them himself. How absolutely insolent of him.

Which is why the bluenette midget decided that on one sunny Saturday, he would take his OWN shopping list to WalMart. And get groceries all by himself, just so he could show his butler that Ciel Phantomhive is worth something.

He felt like kicking the older demon when Sebastian dropped him off at the entrance of the superstore, simpering like a self indulgent clown. Sebastian plastered that infamous smirk upon his face as he teased his beloved master, saying that "Little bocchan is growing up! Soon he'll be popular with the ladies, or maybe the GENTS, am I correct, young master?" Ciel resisted the urge to kick him where the sun don't shine as Sebastian Michaelis pulled the Phantomhive limo out of the parking lot.

Ok. Now, task number one. FIND A SHOPPING CART.

As soon as Ciel walked through the doors of WalMart (insert choral music here), he saw long lines of carts in a large room to the right of the entrance. They were lined up like ants ready to carry food to a nest, and Ciel laughed to himself. He put his ring adorned fingers on the bars of a cart and pulled, but to no avail. The cart would simply not budged. Oh great. Now he was pissed.

Ciel yanked the cart in a number of different directions. He pulled and pulled for at least ten minutes, stopping every five seconds or so to wipe sweat off his brow and adjust his grip on the metal. Damn carts.

Suddenly, the young earl heard a voice behind him. "Hey, emo kid! Need a little help with that?"

Ciel turned around to see a fat middle age man with a beer belly leering at him. He hated the expression on the guys face, it looked as if the obese guy wanted to eat him. His hands rested on his solid stomach, and a scraggly looking beard covered most of his face. His blue eyes popped out of his head, and he grinned.

Ciel was worn out. _Shove "pride" up your arse, Ciel. Get some help from the redneck pedo. _"Yes, sir. I would like some help. I think you may have gummed up your carts. They will not budge, no matter how hard I pull!"

The man roared with laughter. As the deep rumbling sounds emanated from his prominent stomach, the man reached around a flabberghasted Phantomhive with one hairy hand. The carts behind Ciel gave a squeak and detached from each other.

"Glad I could be of help."

With that, the man walked away. The pedo smile stayed right where it was.

Ciel fumed. Fifteen minutes into his shopping adventure, and he was already dependent on someone else? How infuriating. He reached out to grab the handles of the cart, and with a labor breath pushed it into WalMart, superstore extraordinaire.

And as his little billionaire brain raced with thoughts of revenge and death, Ciel swore he saw a little blonde streak fly past him into the vegetable section.

Ciel looked at the items on his list, written in the flourishing handwriting of his new cook…

_Chicken breast_

_Pecorino Romano cheese_

_12 roma tomatoes_

_Bananas_

_Cherries_

_Breakfast cereal_

_Red onions_

_Scallions_

_Rotisserie chicken_

_Cabernet Sauvignon_

_Purified water_

_Skim milk_

The items seemed normal enough, though Ciel doubted that he could get any of the red wine past the cashier without being questioned. He decided to skip that item and ask Sebastian to purchase it from an alcohol store later.

The vegetable items were easy. Ciel simply had to rip bags from a few canisters and stuff the vegetable in question inside. Easy, breezy, lemon squeezy. He rolled all the vegetables towards the front of the cart and pushed it towards the dairy section, from which he took milk and cheese. His last stop was the meat section, where he got the chicken rotisserie and breast. He began to wheel the cart towards the checkout lane when he realized that he forgot something. BREAKFAST CEREAL. DAMMIT.

With a huff of annoyance, Ciel began to walk towards the boxed items lane. When he reached it, he was in awe.

The aisle was lined with hundreds of types of breakfast cereal, in various colors, shapes, and sizes. Ciel saw Cheerios, Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Apple Jacks, and so many more. The bluenette's eyes were as big as saucers as they surveyed the variety of products. Such great marketing...perhaps his new company should start a boxed cereal line. But Ciel shoved those thoughts out of his head for the moment. He was one box of cereal away from proving to his arse of a butler that he was self sufficient.

Ciel began to peruse the aisle. The stupid cook hadn't told him which cereal to buy! The boy guessed it wasn't a big deal, and began to look for a processed marketing scheme that looked appetizing to him.

He hated Cheerios. He abhorred Lucky Charms. He detested Cocoa Puffs. He despised Apple Jacks. Wait...Box Of Soulz?

That sounded rather fitting for a demon.

Ciel picked up the bright red box. On the front was stamped a very official looking seal that said "Kid Approved". The ingredients on the side seemed a little bit...odd. Ciel thought he spotted 'Kishin eggs' somewhere in there. What the bloody hell were those?

He decided to buy a more...ordinary looking cereal. Like Raisin Bran, or something. As he turned to put the cereal box back, he saw a pair of glistening blue eyes staring at him through the empty shelf.

WHO. THE. HELL. WAS. THAT. Ciel heard a 'clip, clop, clip, clop' as the mysterious figure stepped towards him. He looked at the ground, determined not to make eye contact with the stalker…

...and came face to face with a pair of hooker boots.

"Oi, Phantomhive, looks like I found you! It's been a while, eh? Claude is still pining for you, he'll be so happy when I tell him I found you! And I still want you. Hmm? You and I should...become one, if you know what I mean. Preferably in that closet over there. Not soul bonding and stuff, like last time. Whaddya say?"

Oh my. Please, don't let it be…

"Ciel, have you forgotten me, or are you just ignoring me?! IT'S ALOIS TRANCY!"

And there it was. The blonde nightmare, Ciel Phantomhive's arch-nemesis, THE Alois Trancy.

Ciel looked up, a dark aura appears around his slight frame. He saw the hooker boots, the booty shorts, and cheeky smile of the bane of his existence.

"Trancy." he remarked coldly.

Before the earl knew it, Alois was hanging all over him. "Now, now. That's no way to behave in front of your lover, is it, CIEL?" He purred in the disgusted boy's ear, pausing to give it a lick. "You know you want me as much as I want you. There's no need to hide it. Perhaps if I sing you a song, you'll have an answer to my proposal." Alois pointed to a conveniently placed broom closet. Ciel shivered, as Alois began his song.

_I'm in London town_

_And I'm stalking you down_

_I'm in Hannah's maid dress_

_Yeah I look fabulous_

_Claude is magical_

_And I'm Aloistastical_

Ciel had decided that this was worse than Hollaback Girl.

_Booty shorts and blonde hair_

_Manor glamorous_

_I smell love in the air_

_And I know it's for us_

_Oh dear Phantomhive_

_Let's have an amazing time_

Love in the air? For him and the lewd dancing pervert? BS.

_'Cause you know Phantomhive I_

_I'm your biggest fan_

_I'll follow you until you want me_

_Alois Alois Trancy_

_Baby there's no other moron so_

_You know that I'll be_

_Your Alois Alois Trancy_

_Promise I'll be kind_

_But I won't stop until that earl is mine_

_Baby you're the watchdog_

_Chase you down until you want me_

_Alois Alois Trancy_

Trancy was his biggest fan, alright. Nobody he knew would chase him down in the middle of a supermarket just so they could have some time 'alone' in a nearby closet. Nobody he knew would sing him a vulgar song while stroking his dark blue hair. That, is nobody normal.

_I'll be the earl_

_Trancy's out in your 'show'_

_Demons fight with the sword_

_Yeah cause you'll know I'm staring at your eyepatch_

_You made a demon contract_

_Your manor was burnt_

_Not a lesson you've learnt_

_But your lashes are dry_

_Lot's of teardrops I cry_

_But you stabbed me hard_

_Can't I be your superstar?_

No. You cannot.

_And you know Phantomhive I_

_I'm your biggest fan_

_I'll follow you until you want me_

_Alois Alois Trancy_

_Baby there's no other moron so_

_You know that I'll be_

_Your Alois Alois Trancy_

_Promise I'll be kind_

_But I won't stop until that earl is mine_

_Baby you're the watchdog_

_Chase you down until you want me_

_Alois Alois Trancy_

_I'm your biggest fan_

_I'll follow you until you want me_

_Alois Alois Trancy_

_Baby there's no other moron so_

_You know that I'll be_

_Your Alois Alois Trancy_

_Promise I'll be kind_

_But I won't stop until that earl is mine_

_Baby you're the watchdog_

_Chase you down until you want me_

_Alois Alois Trancy_

Alois finished with a final suggestive lick to Ciel's ear. He began to twirl around in the aisle, as the thoroughly disturbed earl stared disbelievingly at him. Then, all of a sudden, he pulled a baguette out of nowhere, and stuck it between Ciel's teeth as if it was a rose. He clapped his hands together, closing his eyes in mirth.

"**OLE!**"

Alois looked expectantly at Ciel. "What do you say, Phantomhive?"

Ciel looked at the blonde like he belonged in the loony bin.

"Hell no."

**And that was Chapter 3. Everyone I know who likes Black Butler says I remind them a lot of Alois. That, and I can imitate his laughter exactly. It's a horrible talent of mine.**

**Hope you liked this chapter! I have one chapter planned and I'll probably post it within the next few days, but I'll be taking suggestions starting now. Please comment them! I'd love to hear your ideas.**


	4. We Are Never Getting Together

**You guys are rainbow magic sauce sprinkled with fairy dust and served with a side of unicorn poop and chocolate fudge brownies.**

**In other words, AWESOME.**

**Every time I post a chapter I get such great feedback that I run around stroking my lamp and singing the Hetalia theme song. Because I can. I've never been very confident of what I write, but having people take pleasure from what I do makes me feel amazing. Thank you.**

**I'm going to put a little warning on this chapter. This chapter contains a...bar. **

**Therefore, there will be perverts. It just goes without saying that bars will have perverts (that may be blonde, bipolar, and named Alois Trancy).**

**Guess what? Guess what? GUESS WHAT? Claudeykinz makes an appearance this chapter! I can't wait to make fun of him! (Sorry, fangirls.) You might also see a bit of Grelle Sutcliff (I spell his name like they spell it in the manga. Don't hate.)...**

**Fun Fact- Claude in Latin means lame. (cue Black*Star laugh)**

**Disclaimer: So, I was at the park yesterday. And then I saw this kid. And he was all like "Y U NO OWN KURO?" And I was all like *dies with sorrow*.**

**He also asked me if I owned 'We Are Never Getting Back Together by Tay Tay Swiftie. I was like, "You wish! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!" Then I went back to my little corner of 'I Don't Own Kuroshitsuji'.**

It was a dark and stormy night in the backwoods of Virginia…

Just kidding.

It was actually a night that left a certain evil/demonic bluenette with a sense of beautiful and bittersweet sadness. The sky was dotted with a menagerie of golden stars that twinkled with a pure and sweet intent. The moon illuminated the darkness and cast it's beloved glow on the citizens of the town with benignant fervor.

In other words, Ciel Phantomhive hated it.

He sat at his desk with earplugs in his ears, staring up at the jubilant sky that seemed to mock him with every shine of every star. Ciel hadn't felt happy in a while now, and to see another being filled with joy (even if said being was inanimate) made him want to take the cutest duckling in the world and break it's little neck.

He was listening to a new artist that he had discovered. Her name was Taylor Swift. After his 'episode' with the lamp, Sebastian, and being twerkalicious, Ciel had taken up modern music listening. His favorite bands played emo music about death, sadness, and destruction of the heart. Ciel loved it.

But this Taylor was beginning to get on his nerves. Every song the boy listened to was about BREAKUPS. Ciel Phantomhive had never experienced a breakup in his life, so why did he have to agonize over songs about them? It was all so stupid.

Thus, our favorite demon midget ran down the stairs of his big house and began to blab to Sebastian about the absolute IDIOCY that was Taylor Swift's music. "Sebastian, what is the point of going to a club, kissing a stranger, and then expecting that stranger to marry you? Doesn't that seem foolish? And what is a breakup? If you've been dating somebody for quite a while, and then you decide you aren't right for each other, doesn't that seem sensible?"

Sebastian sighed. He could tell the boy had been listening to Taylor Swift. Again. And, as he usually did, Ciel was psychoanalyzing every song. Oh dear, he must have been rather bored. Good thing Sebastian knew of a way to alleviate boredom.

"Young master, what do you say we take a night out on the town, maybe go to a bar? We can get a drink, even though you look underage, you have a license, and maybe you can get a BOYFRIEND.

Ciel kicked his butler in the shin, but contemplated going with him. He decided on the affirmative. "Very well, Sebastian. The night is young, let us make haste."

And thus, the two embarked on a very...special...adventure.

Sebastian pulled the limo up in front of a bar. The bar was named "The Booze Place- Get Yo Drunk On". A lewd sign adorned the front porch, advertising drinks such as the "Get Blasted Margarita". Ciel's eye twitched at the garish building in front of them, but decided to go inside, his curiosity getting the better of him.

There was a person at the door who looked down at Ciel, hilarity overcoming his oversized features. "You be tellin' me you twenty one? You cray, lil man. Cray." Ciel looked like he was ready to let his demon powers loose, as his eyes glowed red and a shine emanated from underneath his eyepatch.

Thank goodness suave Sebastian was there to save the day. "Good sir, this young looking man is a midget. He does not like his size to be a limit for him, and though he looks young, he is twenty-two years old. Please pardon the constipated face he is currently making."

Ciel now wanted to strangle his butler. He was NOT a midget! Just because he was short did not mean that his height overcompensated for his brainpower! How dare Sebastian tell this strange man that he was…a tiny person? Outrageous! Utterly horrible!

Sebastian looked at the virtual smoke coming out of his young master's ears. He decided it would be wise to chuck Ciel's ID at the doorman and disperse themselves amongst the crowd, so Ciel wouldn't go all demon on his arse.

Ciel looked around the room in a sort of impressed, disgusted, awe. People were EVERYWHERE, standing on every inch of the tile floor. Ciel saw a section of the room labeled 'Dance Floor,' where lots of people were grinding on each other with their hands in the air. He scanned the faces of the occupants…

And saw so many people he knew, he began to think he was being followed.

In the corner of the room stood a man with long red hair. He was wearing a red coat, even though it was rather hot inside with so many bodies flailing around. The redhead was holding a pair of scissors and chatting up two men. The other two men looked a little bit more manly than the redhead himself. One had orangey brown hair and thick black glasses. He looked like he wanted to talk to a couple of busty girls across the room. The other man was tall, severe, and had official looking square glasses perched on the bridge of his nose. He looked like he wanted to strangle the redhead. But the feminine man didn't notice, taking the opportunity to drape himself all over his two victims.

Only three people looked and acted like that. Grelle Sutcliff, Ronald Knox, and William T. Spears.

Apparently, Sebastian had also noticed the flamboyant shinigami. He gave his young master a beseeching look, and Ciel nodded absentmindedly, still wrapped up in the tacky ambience of this place. Sebastian ran to the bathroom before Grelle could see him.

Ciel stopped standing on his tiptoes when he saw some of the other people in the room.

Great. Just peachy.

Alois Trancy and his demon butler Claude Faustus were on the dance floor. Alois had set up his servant in the middle, and was threading his way through the crowd his a few roses to put in Claude's hair and between his perfect teeth. Claude just stood like a brick wall, like he usually did. He had no emotion on his face, and didn't seem to notice Alois rubbing his body against him.

Ciel groaned. Why, of all places did he have to be here? Especially after the whole WalMart incident. Ciel cringed, thinking about the time Sebastian had to spend cleaning blondie tears of of Ciel's best jacket. And that horrific song…

Wait. Ciel had a brilliant idea. When one humiliates another in public, what should the perpetrator receive as payback? MORE HUMILATION!

In every penny romance the earl had ever read, bars came with karaoke machines. Where was the one belonging to this bar? He located the machine and wormed his way through the crowd, trying to find it.

He found it, and worked up his nerve. Then, Ciel Phantomhive, former watchdog for the queen, aristocrat of evil, and demonling grabbed a virgin Pina Colada from a tray. He sauntered up to the karaoke machine and tapped the microphone to get everybody's attention.

Soon everyone in the bar was looking at the bluenette cyclops on the stage. Ciel cleared his throat and began to speak.

"Hello, everyone. Today, I would like to dedicate a song to my dear friend, Alois Trancy."

Alois looked up excitedly, giving Ciel his best seductive smile.

"This song means a lot to me, and a lot to us. Please enjoy."

The music started, and Ciel began to sing in a rather girly sounding soprano.

_I remember when we met up_

_The first time_

_You said you wanted me, I had enough_

_Cause like_

_I didn't wanna see you for a month_

_And I said I needed space (what)_

Alois looked a little confused at that. Ciel smirked.

_Now I'll come around again and say_

_Trancy_

_I hate you and that's never gonna change_

_Trust me_

_Our friendship's never lasted for a day_

_I say_

_I hate you_

_No breakups_

_You want me_

_Don't love you!_

Now the blonde brat looked hurt. And maybe slightly offended. Ciel began the next line of his song, closing his eyes as he really got into the melody.

_Oooooooh_

_You stalked me to my WalMart last night_

_But Ooooooh_

_This time, I'm telling you I'm telling you_

_WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GONNA GET TOGETHER_

_WEEEEEE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GONNA GET TOGETHER_

_YOU GO TALK TO FAUSTUS TALK TO HANNAH NOT TO ME_

_CAUSE WEEEEE ARE NEVER EVER EVER..._

_GONNA GET TOGETHER_

_Like, ever!_

Ciel said that last part like a valley girl, causing the growing crowd to laugh. Ciel continued, almost happily. Then again, the earl was always happy when revenge was involved.

_I'm never gonna miss you picking fights_

_With me_

_Screaming lots of orders at that git_

_Bassy_

_You run away to find your peace of mind_

_With some_

_Demons- Five of them aren't as awesome as mine!_

_Oooooooh_

_You stalked me out again tonight_

_But Oooooooh_

_This time, I'm telling you I'm telling you_

Alois looked seriously depressed now. Ciel began to repeat the chorus.

_WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GONNA GET TOGETHER_

_WEEEEEE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GONNA GET TOGETHER_

_YOU GO TALK TO FAUSTUS TALK TO HANNAH NOT TO ME_

_CAUSE WEEEEE ARE NEVER EVER EVER..._

_GONNA GET TOGETHER_

_NOOOOO NOOOO NOOOO_

With the next verse, Ciel's voice got soft and whispery.

_I like to think to think that that you were a creeper creeper_

_And I like to say "SEBASTIAN KILL HIM"_

Then Ciel looked at his butler, who had returned from his hideout in the bathroom to see the young master perform. He began to speak, his voice even higher than usual.

_OMG, Sebastian. That bloody fool was sooo creepy last night! Alois Trancy. Psh. Bring me cake, demon! It's an order! Cause Alois and I, we're never getting together._

_EVER_

Sebastian bowed. The crowd tittered. Alois teared up. Ciel began to scream the last repeat of the chorus, true hatred and emotion flooding his voice.

_YEAH!_

_WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GONNA GET TOGETHER_

_WEEEEEE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GONNA GET TOGETHER_

_YOU GO TALK TO FAUSTUS TALK TO HANNAH NOT TO ME_

_CAUSE WEEEEE ARE NEVER EVER EVER..._

_GONNA GET TOGETHER!_

The audience went crazy. Applause filtered from every corner of the room, as Ciel put the mic on the stand and took a flourishing 19th Century bow. Sebastian noticed that he sported a grin from ear to ear. He smiled, giving his bocchan a thumbs up.

As Ciel passed a sobbing Alois on his way out, he gave the boy a saccharine smile. Alois looked up from his sob fest hopefully, thinking Ciel was going to acknowledge his presence. Instead Ciel spoke with a voice laced with sarcasm.

"Hey, Trancy. In case your stupid-arse brain didn't get it the first time, we are NEVER getting together. Ever."

**AN: I feel bad now. I actually like the pairing Ciel/Alois. **

**Hmm. Claude's appearance was rather minor. I'll have to change that in the next chapter, yes?**

**Remember, please comment any suggestions for feature chapters! I have officially run out of most of my ideas. I've got one. But that's it. So help me out!**


	5. Kiss the Earl

**UPDATE! (Cha cha cha!) UPDATE! (Cha cha cha!)**

**So I had a brand new idea for this chapter. I'm going to format this like a short screenplay. I was thinking to myself, 'when do people sing random songs in real life?' Here's the very short list I came up with…**

**1. When breaking up with someone**

**2. When wooing a lover**

**3. When practicing random choreography in the middle of the street**

**4. DISNEY MOVIES**

**So, without further ado, I am proud to present A Kuroshitsuji Short Film- Kiss the Earl. It's a mini scene in three uber short acts. Short. Like Alois' shorts short.**

**IMPORTANT STUFF-**

**Director- Viscount of Druitt (that's right, he's back!)**

**Lead Actress- Ciel Phantomhive**

**Lead Actor- Sebastian Michaelis**

**Stagehand 1- Finny **

**Stagehand 2- Mey-Rin **

**Stagehand 3- Bardroy **

**Stagehand 4- Tanaka**

**Camera Man- Ronald Knox**

**Makeup Artist- Grelle Sutcliff**

**Film Editor- William T. Spears**

**Live Singer- Hannah Anafeloz**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kuroshitsuji or The Little Mermaid. Deal with it.**

SCENE 1

Director- Alright, stagehands! Let's get this show on the road! Finny, please raise the lights. We want a wide color range on the subjects in this scene, the audience has to see every detail of their faces. Am I clear?

Stagehand 1- Yessir, Mr. Druitt sir! [Runs off to man the lighting]

Director- Mey-Rin! Raise the hidden ceiling mics! Position them carefully, alright? We have to pick up every breath the actors take. Am I clear?

Stagehand 2- Yessir, Mr. Druitt sir! [Runs off to fix the ceiling mics]

Director- Bardroy! Have the snacks out and on the table in ten minutes! Am I clear?

Stagehand 3- Yessir, Mr. Druitt sir! [Runs off to fetch the snacks]

Director- Mr. Tanaka…

Stagehand 4- Ho ho ho…

Director- Ah, forget it! [Picks up a walkie talkie] Hello, Mr. Sutcliff?

Makeup Artist- It's MISS Sutcliff.

Director- Yes, er, Ms. Sutcliff. Are the actors almost finished being made up? We need to start filming the scene. I'm hoping to finish the process before out coffee break, so hurry up!

Makeup Artist- [Sighs] Yes, Mr. Michaelis is ready to start the scene. He was no trouble at all. On the other hand, my little friend the cyclops seems to be having a little bit of trouble cooperating. He's a bit of a prima donna and refuses to let me put eyeshadow on him! It's only a teensy weensy bit, after all! [Shouts of denial can be heard from the background]

Director- Ms. Sutcliff, is the eyeshadow absolutely necessary?

Makeup Artist- [Sighs again] Fine, Mr. Druitt. I'll send them down. [Mutters] But don't blame me if he looks a whole lot less fabulous...

Director- [Claps hands in glee] That's wonderful! We can finally get started! [Rushes off to make the final preparations]

END OF SCENE 1

SCENE 2

[The filming is taking place near a beautiful pond. The pond is set in front of a lush forest background. Bird recordings can be heard chirping. White lilies line the banks and prerecorded animatronic geese flap their wings and squawk. Butterflies twirl and dance over towering cattails. Weeping willows sag over the pond, encasing it in quiet beauty.

The camera is focused on a single wooden boat, in which a young boy and a man sit. The young boy is dressed in a pink frilly dress and has fake pigtails sitting atop his head. The man is dressed like a prince, with an embroidered tailcoat. The boy looks displeased, and the man smirks knowingly.]

Actress- Sebastian, please remind me why I agreed to do this.

Actor- [Smirks] Well, young master, you are living every prepubescent girl's dream. You yourself set up this video shoot so you could bring more publicity to the new toy company.

Actress- [Huffs] Well, I'm certainly bloody regretting it.

Actor- Oh, young master. Are you nervous?

Actress- [Blushes] No, I am not nervous! It's just…

Actor- [Smiles saccharinely] Yes, young master? Please continue.

Actress- The script says I have to kiss you.

Actor- Why does this upset you, master?

Actress- [Looks away] It's improper.

Actor- Well, young master, I can assure you, I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue.

Actress- [Rolls eyes] And this matters because?

Actor- [Laughs] It means I'm simply one HELL of a kisser.

Actress- [Facepalms]

Director- Oi, Knox! Is the camera set?

Camera Man- Yes sir.

Director- Mr. Spears, have you set up the editing equipment?

Film Editor- [Pushes up glasses and presses a few buttons] Yes.

Director- [Gives a thumbs up] Now, actors, please take a minute to get in character. Mr. Phantomhive, you are a lovesick maiden looking shyly into the eyes of your one true love. Please, I BESEECH you, act like you care a little.

Actress- [Mutters] Like hell I will.

Director- [Ignores actress, and continues speaking] Mr. Michaelis, you are a young man who has just found the girl of your dreams. Make sure you try and get Mr. Phantomhive to look at you during the song. And when the time to kiss comes, I want to see emotion! Passion! Aggression! Love! Lust! Se- [Is cut off]

Actor- I do believe I understand, Mr. Druitt.

Actress- [Looks pissed] Bloody wanker. Bugger off. I don't want to kiss him.

Director- Too late, Mr. Phantomhive. Alright then, Mr Michaelis, take Mr. Phantomhive's hand!

Actor- [Takes Actress' hand] Oh, young master. How lovely you are tonight.

Actress- [Smacks him with free hand]

Actor- [Grins] Just getting into character.

Actress- [Mutters] Getting into character, my arse.

Director- Mr. Phantomhive, look in love.

Actress- [Mocking Actor] Oh Sebastian! How lovely you are tonight! Like a little girlie!

Actor- [Scowls] Young master, that was unnecessary.

Actress- [Flutters eyelashes innocently]

Director- Ms. Anafeloz, are you ready to begin the song?

Live Singer- [Taps microphone] I believe I am.

Director- Very good! I hope you're ready now, actors! Lights, camera, ACTION!

END OF SCENE 2

SCENE 3

[The camera is focused on the little rowboat. The boy and the man sit close, staring deeply into each other's eyes. Off stage, a song begins.]

_There you see Ciel_

_Sitting there locked in a cage_

_He does have a lot to say_

_But there's something about him_

_And Sebby don't know why_

_But you're dying to try_

_You wanna kiss the earl_

Actress- [Quietly, so Director can't hear] What kind of musical shi-

Actor- Hush, young master.

_Souls, you want his_

_Look at Ciel, you know you do_

_It's possible he'll contract you_

Actress- [Quiet chuckle] Too late for that.

_There is one way to grab him_

_It don't take a perv_

_Not a single perv_

Actress- [Mutters in frustration] Who the bloody hell would write such crappy lyrics?

_Go on and kiss the earl_

_Sing with me now_

_Sha-la-la-la-la-la_

_My, oh, my_

_Look at demon too shy_

_He ain't gonna kiss the earl_

Actress- [Huffs] GOOD.

_Sha-la-la-la-la-la_

_Ain't that sad_

_Don't make otakus mad_

_You gonna miss the earl_

_Now's your moment_

_Floating in a blue lagoon_

_Sebby better do it soon_

_No time will be better_

_He don't say a word_

_And he won't say a word_

_Until you kiss the earl_

_Sha-la-la-la-la-la_

_Bassy's scared_

_Got tea and food prepared_

Actor- [Whispers] Young master, when we arrive at the manor, I shall prepare some shortcake and tea for you. Hot and fresh too, just as you like it.

Actress- You'd better.

_Go on and kiss the earl_

_Sha-la-la-la-la_

_Soul in your mouth_

_Don't try to hide it now_

_You wanna kiss the earl_

Actress- [Mutters unhappily] Please don't.

_Sha-la-la-la-la-la_

_Float along_

_Hear the paltry love song_

Actress- [Harrumphs] It's paltry, alright. Worse than 'paltry'.

_The song say kiss the earl_

_Sha-la-la-la-la-la_

_Chess you play_

_Do what the pawns they say_

_You wanna kiss the earl_

[At this point, the actor starts to lean towards the actress. The actress' eyes widen for a brief moment, before she gets her nerve up and closes her eyes, letting her body fall towards the actor. The actor reaches a hand out to cup the actress' cheek.]

_You've got to kiss the earl_

[Closer]

_Why don't you kiss the earl_

[Still closer]

_You gotta kiss the earl_

[Even closer]

_Go on and kiss the earl_

[Just then, a figure jumps out of the bushes and tackles the actress into the water. The actress sputters in outrage as she is dragged under, and the actor looks dazed, wondering why their lips did not meet.]

Claude Faustus- [Arising from the water, victorious] Cockblocker Claude, TO THE RESCUE!

END OF SCENE 3

**AN: And there you have it. Cockblocker Claude, saving earls from losing their kiss virginity, one smoochie at a time. **

**Anyway, please tell me what you thought of this new format! I am working on a couple of new chapters right now, because my muse came back. I got a request for Grelle Sutcliff singing Disturbia by Rihanna and I wrote a totally badass parody for it. I can't wait. **

**Some upcoming chapters include Ciel, Sebby-chan, and UNDERTAKER joining a band, the Country Rap Showdown of 2014, and of course, the ShiniGo-Go's, Grelle's new pop group. Ooh la la. Stay tuned.**


	6. The Country Song Battle of 2014

**Ok. I have no long AN for this chapter. Enjoy. It's a parody to Clementine, in case you didn't notice.  
**

**Warnings: This chapter contains innuendo. Don't like, don't read.**

**Oh, wait! Amberstar of Randomclan deserves a shoutout for parts of this song. Kay?**

**Disclaimer: Me no own. Me cry.**

It was a fine day in the countryside…

Scratch that. The countryside sucked. At least Ciel thought so.

The young earl sat on a bale of hay, chewing a wheat grain between his teeth and messing with the straps of his overalls. Beside him lay a banjo, and he plucked the strings halfheartedly. This was horrid.

And you know what made it even more horrid?

The fact that Alois Trancy, his arch enemy, was currently trying to 'get some' while screwing around with his own banjo.

Great.

Just peachy.

"So, Phantomhive...what do you suggest we do?"

"Nothing that you're thinking, Trancy."

"Why not?"

"I'm a virgin. I'd like to stay that way."

"Your words hurt, my love."

"I hope you die from the pain."

"So cold...then again, I suppose that's what I love about you!"

"Just bugger off, Trancy. You wanker."

"I'll only do it if you come with me.."

"Hell no."

"Ever seen the epic rap battles on YouTube?"

"Yup. Why?"

"We're both bored, and you won't have fun with me. Let's have an epic SONG battle for ourselves."

"Um...sure?"

"YAY! I'll start, okay?"

"Fine."

Alois Trancy began the song, strumming his banjo to the beat.

_I__n the manor, in the courtyard,_

_Sat my darling Phantomhive,_

_If he sees me he will shoot me,_

_But I love you, YOU'LL BE MINE_

_Oh my darling, oh my darling _

_OH MY DARLING PHANTOMHIVE_

_You are now a demon forever_

_Dreadful sorry, Phantomhive._

Ciel's visible eye twitched.

_Light he was and like a girlie_

_And his guns were .09,_

_He pointed them at my forehead,_

_How I wish I had a life_

"I wish you had a life too." Ciel muttered. He then decided it was his turn.

_Oh that moron,_

_such a stalker_

_I don't want you in my life,_

_get away you creepy pervert_

_I don't love you,_

_JUST GO DIE_

Alois sniffled, and resumed the song with his own part.

_Oh my darling, Claude Faustus_

_CLAUDE GET ME A PORCUPINE!_

_They are spiny, and OH SO SHINY_

_Just like my dear Phantomhive._

Ciel looked down at his pale skin. Since when did he become Edward Cullen, sparkly vampire? It was still Alois' turn.

_Drove the butlers, to the manor,_

_OH MY DARLING PHANTOMHIVE!_

_You have Bassy, your dear Bassy,_

_And Claude Faustus is ALL MINE_

Ciel interrupted.

_The fanfiction, how I dread it_

_The fangirls can not be stopped_

_I will take my new revolver_

_AND I'LL BLOW THEIR HEADS OFF_

He grinned. Alois shivered uncomfortably.

_Oh I missed him, oh I missed him,_

_Oh I missed my Phantomhive,_

_So I kissed my demon butler_

_And he killed me with a knife._

Ciel's eyes widened. He did not expect the blonde to sing that. But, the earl eventually decided to just go with the flow. He finished the Country Song Battle of 2014 with his own verse.

_Now that Trancy is a dead one_

_I will finally sleep at night_

_Without wondering if he's close by_

_Or if I'm in his line of sight._

Alois took this opportunity to yell at Ciel. "BUT I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME, PHANTOMHIVE!"

The blunette's reply could be heard for miles around. "HELL NO! STAY DEAD FOR ONCE, TRANCY!

**AN: Yay! I finished this shorty short chapter. I hope you enjoyed it.**

**Make sure to comment your ideas!**


	7. Wrecking Ball

**Hello there. I can see you…just kidding. But close your doors and windows, just in case.**

**I think I have an issue with actually writing ESSAYS in English class. I'm supposed to be writing a paper on an issue important to me (Why are fictional characters *coughcoughCielPhantomhivecoughcough* so beautiful?) But instead I'm being a bad child and updating. Screw the rules.**

**Amberstar of Randomclan is a buttface. She keeps making fun of me. Therefore, I will complain about her in this obnoxiously long author's note. **

**I need to get myself together. **

**Yeah. OK. This chapter includes one of my favorite songs of all time. Just kidding. I abhor this song, but whenever it comes on the radio I start my Miley impression. Just give me a hammer to lick and a pair of Alois short booty shorts. Thank you.**

**Warnings: Alois. 'Nuff said, dearies. Oh, and nakedness.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own. Alois Trancy belongs to that cray mangaka Yana Toboso-san. I wish I was her.**

It was a cool Saturday in September. The chilly breezy blew colorful leaves into the air outside the Phantomhive house, and trees stood tall and bare in the front lawn. Ciel Phantomhive sat miserably in the study. The only thing he was happy about at the moment was the cup of hot Earl Grey and slice of cake that sat on the desk in front of him.

He was in one of his 'brooding' moods, and to be quite honest, Ciel did not want to be disturbed. Sebastian, the butler, could sense this, and was currently staying as far away from the young master as possible. Since Ciel didn't require anything of him, maybe he would go pet some cats...or kittens…

Ciel decided to do something to take his mind off thinking. Maybe he would file some paperwork...he did have an important meeting with the mayor of New York next month. Ciel got up from his desk and walked over to the file cabinets that lined his walls. He crouched down to get something from the lowest level cabinet…

And was immediately plowed over by a certain naked blonde riding a wrecking ball through his window. Crash, boom, splat.

WHAT. THE. HELL.

Ciel spat a lock of hair out of his mouth, and looked up to see the bare chest of Alois Trancy, his personal stalker. "Trancy." He muttered evenly, hauling himself up and brushing the dust off of his dress pants. The one wearing less clothing gave him a sultry stare. before crawling like a cat to Ciel's feet.

Ah. His eye. He would never get that image out of his head.

Holding a hand in front of his scarred eye, Ciel stumbled backwards, tripping over a chair and a footrest. He finally grabbed ahold of a coat rack and turned away from the horrible blonde. Too...much...skin…

"Hello, Phantomhive."

"Trancy. Can I ask you a question?"

"Does it involve a bed…?"

"NO."

"Ah well, a girl can hope."

"Trancy, you are a boy."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"Nuh uh!"

"Yup."

"I'm a girl, Phantomhive! Notice my feminine voice and luscious blonde locks!"

"You. Are. A. Boy."

"Do you have proof?"

"You are lying on my floor NAKED. I think I can be the judge of this."

"You are missing the point of our encounter, my darling! I have come to woo you! You see, I still want you, and Claude is too busy being a cockblocking superhero to want me back. I shall now sing you a gay song from my heart."

Ciel tried to stumble towards the door and get out of the study. He did NOT want to hear what Alois had to say...er...sing. He did not. But Alois had trapped him. He had a choice- endure a horrible and innuendo filled song, or see Alois' dirty bits for the second time. As you can imagine, he chose the former.

That's when Alois began to sing his song, stroking the wrecking ball as he crooned.

_There's Claude in chains_

_He looks so lame_

_And now, I want my Phantomhive_

_We'll kiss he'll fall into my bed_

_And we are never coming out_

Oh, HELL no. He was never getting in bed with anyone, much less that thing.

_Don't you ever say I just walked away_

_I WILL ALWAYS WANT YOU_

_I don't want to die, running from your knife_

_I will always want you._

Stop wanting. Stop it now.

_HE WALKED INTO THE TRANCY BALL_

_I NEVER FELL SO HARD IN LOVE_

_ALL HE WANTED WAS TO KILL ME OFF_

_BUT ALL HE EVER DID WAS _

_STAB ME_

_YEAH HE STABBED ME_

Damn right, I want to kill you off, Ciel thought pessimistically.

_I put you high up in the tree hoping that Sebby wouldn't find you_

_He took you and I saw your brand_

_When I was standing right behind you _

_Don't you ever say_

_You don't want me babe_

_My Claudeykinz will find you_

_I will always try, running from your knife_

_I will always want you._

Ok, he didn't want Alois, much less Claude.

_I STALKED HIM TO THE VISCOUNT'S BALL_

_I HADN'T LAUGHED SO HARD IN MONTHS_

_HE WAS WEARING A PINK PARTY DRESS_

_ALL I WANTED WAS TO "CAPTURE" HIM_

_BUT THEN HE RAN AWAY_

_YEAH HE RAN AWAY_

Oh, so he was laughing? That twit was going to pay.

_I didn't want to start a war_

_I just wanted you want me_

_And I guess instead of merging souls_

_I should have just let you win._

_Don't you ever say I just hid away_

_I will always want you._

Was this finished yet?

_HE WALKED INTO THE TRANCY BALL_

_I NEVER FELL SO HARD IN LOVE_

_ALL HE WANTED WAS TO KILL ME OFF_

_BUT ALL HE EVER DID WAS _

_STAB ME_

_YEAH HE STABBED ME_

Alois finished the song, mounting his wrecking ball and giving the chain a perverted lick, finally taking his ice blue eyes off a very creeped out Ciel Phantomhive.

So what did our favorite cyclops bluenette do? He ran for his life.

**AN: There, it's done. Hope I haven't permanently scarred you for life, my dears.**

**As always, comment requests and feedback! Reviews make me dance.**


	8. A Whole New World

**Why, hello there.**

**I have not updated in a little while! Day-um. Get back on track, Scythie. **

**I'm sitting here in my English class not doing what I'm supposed to. Screw the rules. Amberstar of Randomclan is looking over my shoulder as I type this.**

**Guess what? I'm gonna go back to the other format thingie, the one I used for Kiss the Earl! Some people deemed it confusing, so I've made some minor adjustments to it. Yay.**

**Disclaimer: Ciel is sexy. I wish I had him. But I don't. Crap.**

**PS- Cloud Molester...I know you're reading this. Bugger off, my love. JK. I love you.**

**Cast -o- Characters**

**Director- Viscount of Druitt**

**Lead Actress- Ciel Phantomhive (as usual)**

**Lead Actor- Sebastian Michaelis**

**Stagehand 1- Snake**

**Stagehand 2- Prince Soma**

**Stagehand 3- Agni**

**Costume Designer- Alois Trancy**

**Magic Carpet- Claude Faustus**

SCENE 1

Druitt- Snake, put down your bloody snakes and help prepare Claude for the show! We're live on-air in exactly ten minutes! Hurry! [Frustrated sigh]

Snake- Yes sir...says Emily.

Druitt- [Rolls eyes] Prince Soma, how are the decorations coming?

Soma- WHERE'S MY CIEL?

Druitt- Why, he's getting dressed. So answer my question, stagehand. Don't dilly dally, we have a show to put on! Chop chop!

Soma- [Squeals happily] I can't wait to see his clothes! Now help me with the decor, Agni!

Agni- Jo aagya, master.

Druitt- [Looks at clipboard, then picks up walkie talkie] Hello, Mr. Trancy? How are the costumes coming? We need the actors on set in five.

Trancy- Ciellykinz is such a party pooper. He won't wear the twerkalicious clothing I set up for him! I had a lovely pair of booty shorts out for him, but I could only force him into a pink sports bra and these weird pantaloon thingies. He's got a feminine body, he should be showing it off more! He's even playing a woman part in this play! What's the name? Rose….Dahlia….Chrysanthemum?

Druitt- [Sighs] I believe you are thinking of Jasmine, sir. And please do not take off more articles of clothing than is necessary, am I straight.

Trancy- [Smirks and gestures to body] Unless you've fallen for this, than yes. But I wish I could make Ciellykinz a bit more...risque.

Druitt- Just….you know what? Forget it.

END SCENE 1

SCENE 2

[The night is young, and stars glitter brightly in a mildly cloudy sky. The moon leers overhead, spreading an amiable glow over a small town set. The building are low and close together, but they leave a magical and friendly feel. On the ground in the middle of a street sit a boy dressed in provocative women's clothing, along with a bare chested man in pants.]

Ciel- TELL ME, SEBASTIAN, WHY WAS I NOT NOTIFIED TO THE FACT THAT I WOULD BE WEARING A DAMN SPORTS BRA?

Sebastian- Master Trancy decided to make your Arabic Princess costume a little bit more fanciful than it would have been in real life. Please, young master, take your anger out on him.

Ciel- [Blushes] THEN WHY IN THE BLOODY WORLD ARE YOU SHIRTLESS?

Sebastian- I have simply one hell of a chest.

Ciel- [Growls] Give me the script, demon. Let's see what we have to do today. Hmm… singing that song…..flying around…..A KISS?!

Sebastian- Thanks to Master Trancy's butler, our last kiss was cockblocked, I believe. Therefore I asked the script writers to insert it in this one.

Ciel- You….you….DEMON PERVERT!

Sebastian- So the young master would prefer not to kiss me? Would he rather kiss Master Trancy?

Ciel- Shut up. You know the answer to that.

Druitt- Stop bickering, you two! You have to sing soon! Warm up those voices, and get into character! Ciel, you are an Arabic princess who has recently escaped the binding throes of royalty! Act like you are happy to be free with the one you love!

Ciel [Mutters] The 'one I love' is a dumbass.

Druitt- [Ignores comment] Mr. Michaelis, you are a poor boy that has found happiness in a woman! Let's see a mind blowing kiss on stage tonight!

Sebastian- Yessir. But, if I may travel off topic, where is our magic carpet?

Ciel- Yeah, where is he? And who is he?

Druitt- [Clears throat] May I introduce to you...Mr. Claude Faustus, the magic carpet!

[Claude Faustus walks on stage. He faces Ciel and Sebastian and pushes up his glasses slightly. Ciel looks shocked and disgusted, Sebastian looks angry.]

Claude- Hello, Danna Sama. Are you ready to RIDE me? [winks provocatively]

Ciel-[Twitches] Sebastian, get rid of it!

Sebastian- {Eyes narrow] I'm afraid I cannot.

Druitt- Ok, break it up! We're gonna start now, before you go at each other AGAIN. Lights, Camera, WAIT, CIEL, SEBASTIAN, SIT ON CLAUDE'S BACK! Good. Lights, Camera, ACTION!

_Sebastian: I can show you the hell_

_Fiery, deadly, and poisonous_

_Tell me, princess, now when did_

_You last let your soul decide?_

_I can open your eye_

_Take you riding through London_

_Over, sideways and under_

_On a Claudetastic carpet ride._

_A whole new world_

_A new and hellish point of view_

_No one to tell us no_

_Or where to go_

_Or say we're only scheming._

_**Ciel: A whole new world**_

_**Your blood will spill when we kill you**_

_**But when I'm way up here**_

_**It's crystal clear**_

_**That now I'll shoot my revolver with you**_

_**Now I'm in a whole new world with you.**_

_**Unbelievable fights**_

_**Indescribable feeling**_

_**Stabbing, maiming and killing**_

_**Through an endless bloody sky.**_

_Sebastian: A whole new world_

_Don't you dare close your eye_

_A hundred thousand deaths to see_

_Hold your breath - it gets better_

_I'm like a shooting gun_

_It's so much fun_

_I can't go back to where I used to be. _

_**Ciel: A whole new world**_

_**Every turn someone dies**_

_**With new cases to pursue**_

_**Every moment a new letter**_

_**I'll chase them anywhere**_

_**No time to spare**_

_**Let me share this mystery with you.**_

_Both: [Begin to sing slowly and softly] A whole new world_

_That's where we'll be_

_A thrilling chase_

_A hellish place_

_For you and me_

[Ciel and Sebastian look each other in the eye. Sebastian grips his young master's chin firmly, trying to stabilize him as Claude rockets through the sky as a magic carpet. They lean in, and their lips barely touch…]

Claude: [Plummets to the ground]

Stage Crew, Ciel and Sebastian- [Gasp]

Claude- HAHA! You really think I would let the two of them swap spit! Not on my watch! Claude the Cockblocker strikes again!

Druitt- [Sobs] There is no hope for this cast…

**AN: I have to think of some better ideas. These chapters are becoming fillery. Gah.**

**Anyway, comment what you liked, comment suggestions! I have a Ciel/Alois oneshot that will published soon, if you're interested in that kind of stuff. Yeah.**

**So...I guess I'll see you at the next update. Stay away from those nasty nasty superheroes!**


	9. Dark Horse

**Look at me. I updated. And when it comes to updating, I'm hella lazy. But I did it. Don't I deserve a round of applause?**

**I'm just kidding. Save the clapping for the chapter end.**

**So I have always wanted to write a band AU. Even though I hate reading them. And so I thought why not make the sexiest Kuroshitsuji band ever? Meet the Soulz 3, fellow fangirls of the fandom.**

**Enjoy this weird ol' thing, 'kay? Requests that you all have put in will come up in chapters nine and ten…so hold on!**

**Disclaimer: I hate boy bands, and I don't own Kuro. Now read.**

Ciel Phantomhive felt stupid. That is, stupider than he usually felt in this day and age.

He was currently dressed in a ripped up leather jacket, way-too-tight skinny jeans, and eyeliner. BLOODY EYELINER. He looked like a stupid-arse goth kid.

Sebastian looked just as ridiculous, sitting behind a drum kit with nothing on but a Speedo. Ciel found it very hard to take his eye away from Sebastian. Damn attractive fool. Shirtless and all, with those delicious washboard abs that you could surely eat some delicious Black Forest cake off of...SNAP OUT OF IT, PHANTOMHIVE.

And then, in the corner tuning an electric guitar, sat the Undertaker. Undertaker had that leering smile on his face as he stared at the bluenette midget while plucking the strings on his guitar. Every five seconds, Undertaker would laugh that creepy laugh of his, rocking back and forth like an insecure hobo.

Ciel straightened the leather jacket, trying and failing to maintain his remaining dignity. Of course, he failed miserably. Trying not to remove his damn eyepatch and order Sebastian to take him away from this place (after putting on a shirt, of course) he composed himself and turned towards the aforementioned butler.

"Sebastian Michaelis, please remind me why we are performing at this 'gig'? I do not understand how this of all things will bring publicity to my company. Alright, we tried and failed to make two commercials that would show girls their fantasies and prompt them to shop at the store of the creators of those fantasies, but a BOY BAND? Really"

Sebastian smirked that infamous little half smile of his and replied. "Young master, what better way to bring publicity to Funtom number two than to set up a boy band? Every prepubescent girl loves boy bands, along with that friend of yours, Alois Trancy."

Ciel rolled his eyes and squirmed uncomfortably in his tight jeans. "Please don't remind me of last weeks...incident." He closed his eye, trying to erase the memories of Alois and the wrecking ball incident.

Sebastian stood up from the drum kit and bowed deeply, crossing one hand over his bare chest. "My apologies, young master. It shall not happen again. But, if we can get the fangirls to fangirl over us, three hot young men playing songs from our immortal hearts, the company will definitely receive a larger sales percentage. Think logically. Am I not correct?"

Ciel sighed. "You are correct, Sebastian. Let's get this bloody thing over with. We're on in two minutes, apparently. So...I'm the lead singer, Undertaker over there is the guitarist, and you are the drummer? May I ask why?"

A slow cheshire cat grin crept onto the demon's face. "Young master, you have such an angelic, pure, and gorgeous soprano."

Ciel huffed. Angelic. How ironic.

"Undertaker has the long hair that can be flailed around during the performance."

That seemed legit.

"And I'll play the drums. Because I'm hella good at banging things, if you know what I mean."

Oh god. Ciel nearly choked as a bright red blush spread across his cheeked. Gagging to himself, he tried to walk away, turning back once to glance at that perverted butler, who threw him a saucy wink. Ciel shuddered. Let's get this show on the road.

Out on stage, Ciel heard the sprightly voice of an announcer speak. "Our next act is British! Say hello to sexy, ladies!"

The crowd went wild, and the young earl was taken aback. This is all it took to make fangirls scream? Scantily clad MEN?

He looked out into the audience, scrutinizing it for familiar faces. Nobody he knew...wait, was that Grelle Sutcliff? The crossdresser was holding a sign that said "Bassy Bears My Babies" and sported a maniacal grin. Ciel saw the demon butler shudder out of the corner of one eye.

Then he saw the blonde nightmare himself, Alois Trancy. Oh no. Alois was dressed this time (thank goodness) in his trademark black booty shorts, tall hooker boots, and long plum purple waistcoat. He hung all over everybody's favorite superhero, Claude the Cockblocker, who looked serious and emotionless as ever.

That's when the little covenant eyed cyclops had a genius idea.

He knew exactly which song to sing.

Ciel walked over to his butler and whispered the title into the older demon's ear. Sebastian smiled gleefully, and passed the message on to Undertaker. Ciel tapped the mic to hush the crowd, which immediately fell silent.

"I'd like to dedicate this to every fangirl out there. Especially to you, Trancy. And to you, Claude Faustus."

The crowd beamed with happiness. Alois and Claude looked lovestruck.

"Enjoy." Ciel winked at the crowd.

_Knew who you were_

_You were seductive Trancy _

_And here you are _

_But you better tread carefully _

_Cause I... _

_I'm capable of anything _

_Of anything and everything_

_I have a demon, you see_

_Can't be your one and only_

_But don't make me your enemy _

_Your enemy _

_Your enemy_

Ciel gave Alois and Claude a saucy wink, then began the chorus.

_So you and your butler want me_

_Claude you should know what my contract's for _

_Trancy do you dare to do this _

_Cause I'm gonna kill you with the demon sword_

_Are you ready for _

_Ready for _

_Your lungs to close _

_Lungs to close_

_Cause once you've died _

_Once you've died_

_There's no comin' back_

Ciel saw Claude wince at the morbid words. Alois just looked ready to cry, as always. So, naturally, Ciel Phantomhive began the next verse.

_Mark my words _

_This hate will make me levitate _

_Like a bird _

_Can't you see I'm in a rage_

_I'm down to earth _

_You should choose to walk away _

_Please walk away_

Ciel turned to Sebastian for the hook.

_The mark's on your hand now Sebby_

_Say yes to master_

_Don't lie to me_

_So just be sure_

_To go kill that bloody Trancy_

_Kill him for me_

_Make him die please_

_Shouldn't put that ring on my finger_

_Trancy it's a prison for your soul_

_Bassy come and help, don't linger_

_Cause I've been possessed by an unknown force_

_Are you ready for _

_Ready for _

_Claude to fuse our souls_

_Fuse our souls_

_And since you've died_

_Since you've died _

_You're just coming back_

After that, shit really hit the fan. Because Undertaker placed his guitar on the stage, grabbed the microphone from the cyclops earl, and began to rap in his lowest voice.

_He's a beast they call him butler_

_He eat your heart out _

_Like your soul's his lunch_

_Be careful _

_Please try not hang on _

_Ciel's heart is on steroids _

_Cause his hate was so strong _

_You may fall in love _

_When you meet him_

_If you get the chance you better keep him _

_He swears by it but if you break his heart_

_He'll kill you with his demon_

_His fairy tale ending has no Claude in shining armor _

_He is wanted bad by Trancy and he was once in a coma _

_Alois thinks that he wants him_

_Ciel's so bad he's sprung and he don't care _

_He got me with that demon butler_

_Turn the party into a murder_

_His love is like a weapon I was tryna kill him with it_

_But little earl so cray I messed around and then I kicked it_

Undertaker handed the mic back to Ciel, who looked pleasantly surprised.

_So you and your butler want me_

_Claude you should know what my contract's for _

_Trancy do you dare to do this _

_Cause I'm gonna kill you with the demon sword_

_Are you ready for _

_Ready for _

_Your lungs to close _

_Lungs to close_

_Cause once you've died _

_Once you've died_

_There's no comin' back_

Thundering applause filled the audience, followed by shouts of "Encore!" Ciel smiled to himself, straightening the leather jacket again and putting down the mic. Mission Accomplished.

**AN: Es finito. Te gustaria?**

**Yup. That was it. I actually like Dark Horse, and it was crazy fun to parody. Hope you liked the chapter! Leave me a review with your feedback, 'kay?**

**Coming soon- Disturbia a la Grelle Sutcliff and Blurred Lines…..Alois Trancy style!**

**Thank you all for being so faithful to this story! You really inspire me. I love you all. Check out some of my other oneshots too! I'd really appreciate it.**

**Adios, mijos!**


	10. Disturbia

**This is going to be a pretty long Author's Note. Whatever. For some odd reason, I like writing these things. I feel like I'm talking to the readers in some weird distant way.**

**First of all. THANK YOU ALL. You reviewers deserve free Sebby cookies. I mean, seriously. You really inspire me to add these delusional and hallucinatory oneshots to this cray cray collection, and I thank you for that. You all are so supportive and wonderful.**

**Second, I've been getting a lot of questions from you all. So I thought I'd do a quick Q and A to erase some of your doubts...how does that sound? Guten?**

**Q. What's your name?**

**A. That's classified information that will not be released to the general public. But if you want to call me something, call me Coatrack.**

**Q: How old are you?**

**A: Once again, not telling you exactly. But I'm younger than you probably think.**

**Q: Male or female?**

**Oh my goodness. This has come up a lot. I will tell you, I am a female. Not a male, even though I get mistaken for one because of my voice. (I have a voice similar to that of a prepubescent boy- think Alois Trancy. Half deep, half high.)**

**Q: Favorite anime character?**

**A. L Lawliet from Death Note.**

**And there you have it. Got more questions? I'll answer them as long as they aren't personal and probing. Because that's creepy as hell.**

**Now on with the story! We get to get some action from Grelle Sutcliff today! But the oneshot itself is Ronald-centric.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the obscenely long AN. Oh, I also own the name of Grelle's band. Even though it's not the best name. Now read, ya lazy dogs.**

"Sutcliff Senpai, are you sure we should be doing this? It seems a bit unprofessional of us shinigami, don't you think so? And how did you get Spears-Senpai to agree too?"

Ronald Knox was dumbfounded. He had been forced by his crossdressing superior into what the flamboyant shinigami called 'sexy clothing'. This aforementioned outfit consisted of a sparkly top with sparkly black pants. He was also 'embellished' with sparkly bling. Ronald felt rather...sparkly. But, he would do anything that his Senpai ordered him to do. He hoped he would get a pay raise after he pulled this stunt.

Grelle sat at a table in a short red dress, examining his fingernails thoughtfully and playing with a red ballpoint pen between his fingers. He sighed happily. "Well, after we went to Sebas-chan's performance, I had this idea! Maybe we could make our own band, and sing too! I've always wanted to be a popstar, you know. But I've never had the chance until now! So, since you are inferior to me and I like to undermine you and your pathetic, not passionate feelings, I chose you to support me!" Grelle giggled and twirled peppily in his chair.

Ronald chose to ignore the insult embedded in Senpai's reply. "Well, what about Spears-Senpai? He's usually so...controlling. How did you manage to get him to agree."

Grelle pouted. "I told him I'd kiss him if he didn't agree. Why doesn't he want me too, Ronnie? Aren't I a beautiful lady? Fit for a manly man like him?"

Ronald sighed. "You're gorgeous, Grelle." He cringed at the sound of his praising tenor.

Grelle beamed, skipping out of his chair, glomping his subordinate, and twirling him around in an infinite hug. "Oh, thank you, Knoxie! You're so sweet! If only my darling Will would learn a few things from you…" He looked down forlornly and traced a manicured nail across Ronald's chest. The shinigami in training shivered.

"He'll come around, Sutcliff-Senpai. Just you wait."

"MY RONNIE'S SO POSITIVE!" Grelle planted a wet lipstick filled kiss on Ronald's cheek. He cringed and used the back of his hand to wipe it out.

"Would you two cut it out? We're onstage in about ten minutes and we haven't figured out what we're going to sing or what the name of our band is yet." Ronald shook in surprise and turned around to meet the emerald-yellow eyes of his big boss- William T. Spears, Division Manager of the Reaper's Dispatch of London.

"Oh...hehe….Spears-Senpai. How nice to see you here." Ronald sweatdropped.

"Cut the formalities, Knox. I require you and Mr. Sutcliff's full attention as we brainstorm a possible stage alias for this mismatched group of ours."

Grelle frowned and draped his feminine body across William's. "Will, darling, I have told you to call me Grelle, have I not? And I've already picked out a name! I was thinking…"

Grelle leapt of William's lap and spread his arms with a flourish. "The ShiniGoGo's!"

William deadpanned and crossed his arms. Ronald began to sweat profusely. THAT was their group name? Goodness...if any girls saw him like this, he wouldn't get a good shag for weeks! He was really regretting getting dragged into this operation.

Just then, a man with black hair and glasses who looked a lot like William and Sebastian's love child walked into the dressing room. He glanced briefly at his clipboard, then made eye contact with William, the most official looking of the odd trio.

"My name is Claude Faustus, stage manager. You must be our next act. You are…?"

Everyone's favorite superhero paused, waiting for William to introduce the group.

"Uhhhh…." he managed to say. How unprofessional of him.

"We're the ShiniGoGo's! Are we gonna go on stage yet?"

Grell was bouncing off the walls. Claude eyed him with distaste, gesturing towards the open door with a single gloved hand.

"Yes, we are. Prepare yourselves."

As soon as Ronald set foot on the stage and saw the large crowd in front of them, he almost had a heart attack. So many hot girls...why were they screaming for him? Did they somehow find sparkly males attractive, like that Edward guy from that teen series? Ronald was surprised, amused, and mildly impressed. He winked at a ginger, who proceeded to faint.

Grelle stepped up to the mic. He saw Sebastian in the audience, looking like he wanted to be anywhere but there at the moment. Ciel Phantomhive, the little earl brat, held onto his arm and smirked self righteously. At that moment, Grelle knew exactly what song to sing.

"This song is called Disturbed Ya, and it's reminiscent of my old days with my darling Sebas-Chan! Enjoy!" The flamboyant man giggled and took a deep breath as background music began to play.

_What's wrong with me?_

_How did I lose like this?_

_Bassy made me crazy now_

_Think it's broke, motor's dead_

_Can't get my chainsaw started_

_My face hurts, nothing's said_

_Can't even speak about it _

_Hit me hard, on my head,_

_Bassy's a fighter for it_

_Feels like I'm going insane, yeah_

He made the cuckoo sign with his fingers, winking at Sebastian, who groaned apathetically.

_I'm the freak in the night that's gonna grab you_

_I can creep up beside you and murder you_

_Red and passionate flames will control you_

_Way too close for comfort_

Grelle swayed his hips, giving the men in the audience a seductive grin. Then he began the chorus, much to his colleagues chagrin.

_Got shinigami eyes, I'm from a dispatch of wonders_

_Ain't gon' play nice, victims you might just go under_

_Better think twice, your pretty face will be altered_

_So if you must falter be wise_

_I think I have disturbed ya_

_Red blood darkness in the night_

_Disturbed ya, am I filling you with fright?_

_Disturbing ya, ain't used to my sex type_

_Disturbed ya, I disturbed ya_

_Bassy broke me on the wall_

_Did it while talking to me_

_Gave my number to that hunk_

_My phone don't even ring_

_I wanna go out, maybe we'll make out_

_I'm too close for comfort, oh_

He gave Sebastian the universal 'call me maybe' sign.

_I'm the freak in the night that's gonna grab you_

_I can creep up beside you and murder you_

_Red and passionate flames will control you_

_I'm a female monster, oh_

Of course, Grelle stressed the word FEMALE.

_Got shinigami eyes, I'm from a dispatch of wonders_

_Ain't gon' play nice, victims you might just go under_

_Better think twice, your pretty face will be altered_

_So if you must falter be wise_

_I think I have disturbed ya_

_Red blood darkness in the night_

_Disturbed ya, am I filling you with fright?_

_Disturbing ya, ain't used to my sex type_

_Disturbed ya, I disturbed ya_

Grelle traveled to William side and began to stroke his bare chest.

_Release me from this curse I'm in_

_Wanna be a woman but I'm a man_

_If I can't go-o-o_

_I think I'm gonnaah, ah, ah, ah_

Grelle screamed.

_Got shinigami eyes, I'm from a dispatch of wonders_

_Ain't gon' play nice, victims you might just go under_

_Better think twice, your pretty face will be altered_

_So if you must falter be wise_

_I think I have disturbed ya_

_Red blood darkness in the night_

_Disturbed ya, am I filling you with fright?_

_Disturbing ya, ain't used to my sex type_

_Disturbed ya, I disturbed ya_

Ronald was shocked. Flabbergasted. Speechless. Lost for words. Floundering. He would never see his Senpai the same way again.

**AN: Sorry for scarring poor ickle Knoxiekins. **

**Hope you liked that chapter! It was a reviewer request. I hope I did the song justice (and did my favorite crossdresser justice.) Up next….Blurred Lines! Featuring Alois Trancy's unclothed buns, perhaps.**

**Leave me a review. You know how much I love them!**

**Oh, and let's hear a cheer for the 10th chapter! Woot woot!**

**See you next chapter!**


	11. Blurred Lines

**Hello, my darling readers. Watashi wa Coatrack desu. O namae wa nan desu ka? O genki desu ka?**

**You don't have to know what that means. I just went to a language convention and took a Russian class, and...A JAPANESE CLASS! We ate pocky. CHOCOLATE pocky I was very happy.**

**So here's an update while I'm in a happy mood! A guest reviewer requested this chapter. I had a Blurred Lines parody sitting around in my archive, so I pulled it out, revamped it a little bit, and voila. This happened.**

**So, LET'S GO TO THE BEACH, EACH, LET'S GO GET AWAY.**

**Yup. Alois and Ciel are getting their tans on. While shirtless.**

**Popular demand suggests that I keep Alois' buns (namely, his lower areas) clothed. I will, don't worry. Your ever so innocent minds can stay clean for the time being. 'Kay?**

**BTW, there's a poll on my profile! Check it out...I'm thinking of starting a new oneshot collection. It'll be for Soul Eater, OHSHC, or Death Note, depending on your vote.**

**Also, the name of this story is now KuroSongz Unplugged. Like how MTV did bands Unplugged….does that ring a bell?**

**Questions I got via PM about me…**

**Q: What are you like?**

**A: How generalized. Hm…..I'm pretty studious. I'm introverted. I sit like L Lawliet. My personality likes to cosplay as Alois Trancy. I like hard rock and heavy metal and anime themes. My favorite food is chocolate. My favorite word is buttsex. I curse like a drunken sailor who is high on sugar. I love anime. And manga. See my about me, I guess.**

**Q: Favorite color?**

**A: Weird question. It's black. No. I am not emo or goth, though I have nothing against emo/goths.**

**Got more questions that aren't personal or probing? Just ask.**

**On with the chapter.**

**Oh wait. One more thing. In this story, I intend for Ciel and Sebastian to be gay. Not necessarily for each other, but homosexuals nevertheless. If you are a homophobe, I suggest you get out of here. I believe you are entitled to your own opinion, but I am a VERY big gay rights supporter.**

**Disclaimer: Gomen nasai. I don't own Kuroshitsuji or Robin Thicke's disgusting song, Blurred Lines. Sayonara.**

One weekday in the humid month of July, Ciel Phantomhive, ever so hardworking, ever the crafty businessman, was tired of laboring. He wanted a break so he could relax, maybe ready some Leo Tolstoy, listen to more of his emo bands. Maybe he could even sleep for a full night without being called by his underlings, called by his associates, or called by his fangirls (and a specific blonde fanboy.) So he asked Sebastian to prepare the sedan so they could leave.

And to where did they leave, you may ask?

Myrtle Beach, a beach about four hours away from their Virginia house. Sebastian loaded towels, sunscreen, the servants, and his grumpy young master into the sedan, got behind the wheel, and began to drive.

After one of the most excruciatingly boring drives in the history of Ciel's long and demonly life, they arrived at the beach. Even before the demon master and his loyal servant cracked open the Cadillac doors, they heard the melodious squawking of seagulls and the crashing of waves on sand. Ciel allowed himself a small smile. Maybe he would benefit from some relaxation.

"Young master, we have arrived. Shall I get the door for you?" Ciel rolled down the window as his butler spoke, suddenly snapping out of his daydreams of sitting in the sand, reading a good book with some loud music as background noise, maybe some bare-chested hot guys dripping with water and sweat…

WAIT. WHAT THE HELL? SHUT UP BRAIN?

"Young master, are you feeling alright? You look as if you have swallowed a particularly disgusting turd…"

Ciel gave a dismissive wave, trying to get delicious images of his butler, naked and holding a piece of Devil's Food cake, lying on his bed. Damn eternal puberty.

"I am quite alright, Sebastian. Let us get down to the water! I am ready to feel the sun on my skin, maybe I can get some rest in this lovely weather."

Sebastian noticed the euphoric state of his young master and smirked, partly because the young demonling was a grumpy walrus most of the time. He held out a gloved hand to help the smaller boy out of the car. Ciel took the hand, and Sebastian didn't fail to notice the blush that decorated his cheeks.

"Is the young master hot?" Sebastian questioned, a glint of amusement in his eyes.

"No, idiot." Ciel smacked his servant on the chest, and like the proud earl he was, he strutted up the sand dunes, making himself look more stupid than usual. Sebastian gave a low and hearty chuckle, walking over calmly to give the young master a hand.

The odd pair neglected the servants and began to scout the crowded shore for a place to sit. They found a little inlet close to the rushing waves, and made a beeline to set up their mats and umbrellas. Actually, Sebastian set up their mats and umbrellas while Ciel stared dreamily at the shoreline.

In fact, he was just getting comfortable when he saw the EFFING BANE OF HIS EXISTENCE. Alois Trancy, gay extraordinaire. Who was currently wearing nothing but an extremely revealing Speedo. Hot damn. It was disgusting. Alois paraded flirtily down the boardwalk, intending to intercept Ciel as he inconspicuously walked to the trash can to dispose of a bag of potato chips.

"My darling Ciel! At the beach! What brings you here, closet buddy?"

Alois winked at him, sending uncomfortable shivers down Ciel's small spine. He cringed, wishing he could call Sebastian to get him out of this mess. But, that would be an insult to his pride, would it not? He would handle this like a big earl.

"I came for a vacation, Trancy. What brings you to North Carolina, pray tell?"

"Oh, Claudeykinz has been spying on you! He told me you intended to vacation here, so I thought I would surprise you and show off my new Speedo? Does it...TICKLE *insert provocative face here* ...your fancy, my darling Phantomhive?"

With this, the blonde stuck out his arse, running slim and pale fingers along the waistband. Ciel did not notice that he was gawking, feeling uncomfortable and molested in that moment. He nearly gagged into the trash can.

Alois put on a low and seductive voice. "Tell me...Phantomhive...does this look good on me? I know it does. But you know where it would look even better?"

Ciel at this point was trying to walk away from his blonde nightmare, but found himself caught. He ignored the Trancy boy, hoping he wouldn't answer his own question…

"...On a pile on your manor floor. Whaddya say...baby?"

CLOSE. VERY CLOSE. TOO CLOSE. Alois was whispering in his ear. People were staring. Stay away, pervert. Go away. I don't want you. I don't love you. We shall not shag, no matter what you suggest. My hand would like to meet your face. Preferably with a chair in tow.

"I have another song prepared for you…" Alois purred. Ciel prepared for the worst.

Alois turned to the innocent bystanders and began his song.

_Everybody get up, WOO!_

_Hey, hey, hey_

_Hey, hey, hey_

_Hey, hey, hey_

Alois put on a girly falsetto.

_If London's out here, your watchdog's here today_

_I'm Vickie's spider, I read from the same page_

_Maybe Claude's going deaf_

_Hannah is going blind_

_Triplets are out of their minds_

He made the cuckoo sign with his hands while running a hand through Ciel's dark blue locks.

_Ok, Bassy was close_

_Tried to domesticate you_

_But you're a demon now_

_Ciel, it's in your nature_

_Just let me liberate you_

_You don't need work papers_

_That butler's not your maker_

_And that's why I'm gon' take a_

_Good earl_

_I know you want it_

_I know you want it_

_I know you want it_

_You're a good earl_

_Can't let it get past me_

_You're far from plastic_

_Talk about getting blasted_

_I hate these contract lines_

_I know you want it_

_I know you want it_

_I know you want it_

_But you're a good earl_

_The way you stabbed me_

_Must wanna get nasty_

_Go ahead, get at me_

Ciel could feel the nasty sour bile rising in his throat.

_What do they make dreams for_

_When I got them shorts on_

_What do we need steam for_

_I'm the hottest homo in this place_

_I feel so lucky, you wanna hug me?_

_What rhymes with hug me_

_Hey!_

Ciel didn't like that insinuation. What rhymes with hug me…?

_Ok, Bassy was close_

_Tried to domesticate you_

_But you're a demon now_

_Ciel, it's in your nature_

_Just let me liberate you_

_You don't need work papers_

_That butler's not your maker_

_And that's why I'm gon' take a_

_Good earl_

_I know you want it_

_I know you want it_

_I know you want it_

_You're a good earl_

_Can't let it get past me_

_You're far from plastic_

_Talk about getting blasted_

_I hate these contract lines_

_I know you want it_

_I know you want it_

_I know you want it_

_But you're a good earl_

_The way you stabbed me_

_Must wanna get nasty_

_Go ahead, get at me_

NO TRANCY. WE ARE NOT GETTING AT EACH OTHER.

_One thing I ask of you_

_Lemme be the one you give your "demon" to (*wink*)_

_From the circus to London too_

_Had a master, but he was bad as you_

_So, hit me up when you pass through_

_I'll give you something big enough to tear yo' patch in two_

_Swag on canes even when you dress casual_

_I mean, it's almost unbearable_

_In a hundred years not dare would I_

_Pull my hooker boots, let you pass me by_

_Nothin' like your last guy, Seb's too square for you_

_He don't seduce that fast and lick your ear like that_

_So I'm just watchin' and waitin'_

_For you to salute the true big pimpin'_

_Not many males can refuse this pimping_

_I'm a nice gay, but don't get confused, this pimpin'_

Pimpin'? Ciel thought he was the one with a cane.

_Phantomhive_

_Get down, get up-a_

_You stabbed me and it hurt, yeah it hurt_

_Sebby does your work_

_Hey!_

_Ciel, can you breathe_

_I know you got some asthma_

_I'll help you to relieve it_

_Just kiss me you'll feel better_

_No more pretending_

_You're always winning_

_My head is spinning_

_Still always wanted a_

_Good earl_

_I know you want it_

_I know you want it_

_I know you want it_

_You're a good earl_

_Can't let it get past me_

_You're far from plastic_

_Talk about getting blasted_

_I hate these contract lines_

_I know you want it_

_I know you want it_

_I know you want it_

_But you're a good earl_

_The way you stabbed me_

_Must wanna get nasty_

_Go ahead, get at me_

_Everybody get up_

_Everybody get up_

_Everybody get up_

_Hey, Hey, Hey_

_Hey, Hey, Hey_

_Hey, Hey, Hey_

_Everybody get up, WOO!_

_Hey, hey, hey_

_Hey, hey, hey_

_Hey, hey, hey_

Alois finished with a flourish as the crowd dropped into a pin drop silence. Ciel's face was red as Romano's tomatoes as he tried to free himself from the grasp of his supposed 'lover'. This was worse than working. It was an embarrassing hell.

Alois' lips were getting way too close…

Ciel bolted.

**AN: I end a lot of these oneshots with 'Ciel bolted." Ah well.**

**That was very long. Very long. Next chapter is going to be so badass. But you don't get a hint of what it is this time…I can't wait! It might not be up for a while, though. Bear with me.**

**Please leave me a review! I really love them.**

**Thanks for reading! See you next chapter!**


	12. Spiderman (ft The Spiderman Theme Song)

**Hello, faithful followers of this story! I updated yesterday, but I couldn't wait to put this chapter up. So I did. You better enjoy it.**

**I'm just kidding.**

**I've always wanted to parody a movie. I've always wanted to do a Claude-centric fic. I've always wanted to make fun of (in my opinion) a very lame superhero. And since Claude in Latin means lame, and I was watching this abomination of a movie last night….**

**I PRESENT TO YOU...SPIDERMAN. With a Black Butler twist...**

**No offense if you really like Spiderman, by the way.**

**I got a question from an anonymous reviewer named Nobody! He/she asked…**

**Q: What's your favorite anime?**

**A: You just put me in one of the most difficult spots, my dear. I love many animes. My favorites…hmm. My favorite animes (yes, plural) are Soul Eater and Death Note. I love them both. As for Kuroshitsuji, I refuse to let myself watch the anime, because I am a very obsessive follower of the manga. Chapter 91…COME OUT ALREADY!**

**Oh, and Nobody….Pretty Fly for a White Guy happens to be one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands. I seriously might do a parody. You're in luck.**

**You know what really pisses me off? FanFiction refuses to let me spell color COLOUR. Screw you, system.**

**Special thanks to sheldonthewhale, who drew me some AMAZINGAWESOMESAUCETASTICAL fan art of Cockblocker Claude! I'm going to put the link on my profile if you want to see it. Hope you don't mind, sheldonthewhale. PM me if you do, OK?**

**One more thing. Reviewers have been telling me that this is the funniest thing they've ever read. All I can say is...THANK YOU. Normally, I am not funny. In my school, I am well known as the weird creepy paranoid somehow intellectually apt pervert. This is the funniest thing that happens to me in real life.**

**Friend: Boy, I had a lot of fun.**

**Me: Oh, you had FUN, did you? *cue creeper eyebrows***

**So thanks for the compliments! I truly adore you people. I ADOOOOOORE YOUUUUUU! *Miley Cyrus moment***

**On with this jacked up mess of a chapter!**

**Disclaimer: Oh, how I wish I owned Kuroshitsuji. And even though some plot points from Spiderman's plot are mentioned in this, I do not own Spiderman.**

_Spiderman, Spiderman_

_Does whatever a butler can_

_Spins his 'web' to catch his prize_

_Alois is his butterfly_

_Look out!_

_Here comes the Spiderman_

_Is he strong?_

_Listen bud_

_He's got lots of that demon blood_

_Button your shirt, make your bed_

_Be a butler to kill them dead_

_Hey, there_

_There goes the Spiderman_

_Queen's Spider is in a fight_

_At the scene of a crime_

_Like a streak of demon light_

_He arrives just in time_

_Spiderman, Spiderman_

_Stalker, cockblocker, demon man_

_Danna Sama_

_He ignores_

_Bocchan is his new goal_

_To him_

_Souls are a great big snack up_

_Whenever there's a hang up_

_You'll find the Spiderman!_

When you first saw Claude Faustus, the first word you would think of was NERD.

Everything about him screamed "geeky". He wore collared shirts and pocket labels. He carried himself with a self conscious, yet know-it-all air. He was socially inept, which was not the best place for a high school senior to be. And he loved school. He loved everything about it, from the homework, to the teachers.

But he didn't seem to be bothered by his nerdiness. In fact, Claude was very happy to be who he was. His biological parents had died early on, so he was raised by his Uncle Ash and Aunt Angela. They taught the little genius everything he knew about fitting in with the crowd.

Ergo, not much.

But it was on his last trip as a high school senior that everything would change for the lanky, bespectacled Faustus boy.

They rode the school bus to a nearby research lab. The lab itself was a fascinated biological enigma, with white coated scientists bustling about like busy little ants, talking to each other constantly over bluetooth devices pressed against their ears. Claude was immediately drawn in by the atmosphere of the place. THIS is what he wanted to be, what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. He wanted this.

He wandered through the hallways at least seven feet behind his group of peers, taking his time to soak in the sights and sounds of the laboratory. It was a magical place in his eyes, one that could only be more magical with…

...that girl. Ciella Jane Phantomhive.

She was a puzzle to the Faustus boy. Ciella Jane was a self proclaimed actress, who was proud and vain. Vain Ciella Jane, the haters called her. She had a head of gorgeous blue/black hair that she kept up in pigtails. She sauntered around, and talked to people in a condescending way. But she was a hottie, so every boy wanted her.

Including Claude, who was enamoured of the young lady.

Claude fixed his eyes on the bluenette beauty. She was talking to a friend...a boy named

Alois Trancy. Claude would have felt the familiar pangs of jealousy that he associated with anyone associating with the untouchable Ciella Jane, but he knew Alois was a flaming homosexual.

Who, unfortunately, had his sights set on him.

Alois was making some rather rude gestures with his hands that Ciella Jane was rolling her eyes at. Yet another thing about the girl that Claude loved. She was mature and imposing, and had the ability to make a good impression on just about anyone.

She could make an impression on him anyday. If you know what I mean.

Claude told himself to take his eyes off the damn girl. He had other things to see in this marvelous place. He couldn't be distracted from his schoolwork by some chick that wasn't even into him, that was probably dating some football jock or something…

That's when he saw it.

It was a machine. The machine had a pearly sort of glow, emanating a scary red transparent light into the semi-darkness of the office room. It looked like the head scientist and all of his colleagues stayed far away from the machine, as it looked as if it was kept in a dusty corner of the room where nobody ever traversed it's path.

And from the looks of it, and the looks of the empty hallway that his graduate class was currently traversing, nobody was near it.

Claude was attracted to this strange object. He had to see what it did. What was it here for? It must be something special, he thought to himself, after all, why would the biologists put it out of the way, where nobody seemed to want to go?

He waited until the class was out of sight, then cautiously walked up to the machine. One hand stretched towards a number of dials and buttons that littered the dusty surface. His pupils dilated as they absorbed the glow that was only getting stronger and stronger, the closer he got. And then he saw the spiders.

A single black widow. Claude nearly screamed, before realizing that what he was doing was quite possibly illegal and could get him thrown in jail for a large number of years. Oh dear. So he backed away from the spider, hoping it was disregard him, and go about it's spiderly business…

He walked away steadily. "Nice wittle spidey…" Claude murmured in his best baby apprehending voice. "I'm a nice guy with big dreams...please leave me alone."

The spider was getting even closer.

So Claude decided to run like the wind.

What he didn't notice was the spider crawling stealthily into his jacket pocket, it's mandibles bared and ready. The hourglass mark on it's back glowed. It had hungered for so long…

It was time to acquire the blood of his first victim.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a lab far away, evil was brewing. Sebastian Michaelis, head of RavenCorp, and enormous company. smirked that dark and devilish smirk he had grown accustomed to over the years He had perfected it. The serum. The infinite lasting serum that would give him the powers, that would give him the strength, the intelligence…

To get her. That little high school girl. Ciella Jane Phantomhive.

The moment Sebastian had seen her, he had fallen for her. The girl was beautiful, without a doubt, but there was something about her. Sebastian knew she was far more intelligent than she would ever let on. So he wanted her. All for himself, yes he did.

So he made the serum. He could use the serum to knock down every boy who looked at her, touched her, flirted. He would use the serum to eliminate the competition. And the girl would be his, whether she wanted to be or not.

Sebastian took the needle in his right hand. He plunged it into his bicep, grunting at the feeling and throwing his head back, shaking long black locks of hair out of his face. Just a moment of the pain, and it would all be over.

A mark. On the back of his hand. What was it doing there?

A pentagram.

What?

* * *

Claude Faustus had been utterly exhausted after that field trip. He had walked all the way home once they reached the high school, and hadn't bothered to say goodnight to his dear aunt and uncle. Instead, he had grouched up to his room and flopped unhappily onto his four poster.

Then he fell asleep.

But when Claude woke up in the morning, something felt very different to him. He wasn't sure what it was...perhaps something had changed inside him that he had yet to find out. Ignoring the sense of foreboding that coursed through his being, Claude flopped downstairs to go make himself a bowl of cereal. And then go to school.

That's when he noticed that he wasn't wearing his glasses. And he could see perfectly.

Claude did a double take. His hands rushed up to his face, brushing and glasses that weren't even there.

What happened?

He decided to put the event aside, thinking that perhaps he was some freak of nature. How true he was…

* * *

At school, Claude walked nervously through the hallway. Why nervously, you ask? He was scared...and he didn't want them to find him. Didn't want them to see him, or beat him up like they did the last time. Didn't want to hear their chants of 'nerd' and 'ugly'...

But of course, there they were.

Timber, Thompson, and Canterbury. The bullies.

They swarmed around him, laughing. The triplets never spoke, they just maimed. And that's why Claude hated them. They never seemed to want to listen to pure reason and scientific development. They just liked to punch. Ow.

Claude saw a fist move in his peripheral vision…

AND JUMPED.

ONTO THE GODDAMN CEILING.

Claude let out a half squawk, half screech in surprise. How did that happen? How did he manage to get on the ceiling? And more importantly, why wasn't he coming down.

For the first time in their lives, the triplets spoke.

"IT'S THE SPAWN OF THE DEVIL! RUN AWAY, EVERYONE! CLAUDE FAUSTUS, HE'S BEEN POSSESSED! AND HE'S GONNA KILL US DEAD!"

A collective scream ran through the school. Claude looked left and right. Why was everyone running through the front door and away from him? Was he that repulsive, disgusting, or horrific to look at?

He did a quick head count as people clamoured and rushed below him. Everyone was here…

...Except for Ciella Jane Phantomhive.

That's when he heard the screams. The rang out loud and clear, and sent pangs of fear through the Faustus boy's cowardly nerd heart.

"Let go of me, you creepy pervert! Why are you touching me there? I don't even know you, bastard! I just wanted to eat my cake in peace, but NO, some dipshit had to go and ruin my confectionary delight! Sure, you're kind of handsome, but I don't appreciate random guys touching my butt...HEY, THOSE WERE MY BOOBS! PERVERT!"

...Ciella Jane Phantomhive had one hell of a potty mouth.

Curse words aside, Claude would know that scream anywhere. It was his beloved, his darling, his most magnificent future girlfriend. He had to save her from whatever danger was outside! Perhaps this new power would come in handy…

He dropped from the ceiling effortlessly and walked outside.

Only to come face to face with a really, REALLY, hot guy.

Now, Claude, no matter what anyone said, was NOT a homo. He was nothing like the Trancy boy, he was perfectly and irrevocably straight. As straight as a rainbow.

And even he had to admit that the man who currently held Ciella Jane at the waist was attractive.

The hot guy smirked and began to speak. "I am the Black Butler. I have come to acquire this lovely little specimen that I hold very dear." He caressed Ciella Jane's soft cheek.

Ciella Jane blew her bangs out of her eyes, before narrowing them as she saw Claude Faustus. "You know what, handsome stranger? I think I'll be yours. I don't want Creepy Claude's hands anywhere near me. Do with me what you will, Black Butler."

Sebastian, the Black Butler, grinned. He leaned down and pressed his lips to Ciella's in a quick kiss, laughing at her dazed and confused expression as he pulled away. He smiled.

"Don't worry, my little robin. I shall be simply one hell of a lover."

Claude had enough. His prize was being taken away before his very eyes…

"YOU PERV! YOU SHAN'T HAVE HER! SHE IS MIN-"

And that's when Sebastian Michaelis shot Claude Faustus dead.

* * *

"So, bocchan? What did you think of that movie shoot? Did you like the plot of the story?"

Ciel pulled himself out of the fluffy pink dress that he had been wearing, cheeks still coloured pink from Sebastian's fleeting kiss. Then he looked at Claude, the demon butler, lying in a bruised and crumpled pile on the floor. He grinned.

"I think it was absolutely fabulous. The fangirls will love that movie. Sales shall skyrocket!"

With that, Ciel placed a kiss on his butler's cheek, and sauntered away, hitting Claude with that pimpalicious cane of his as he passed the mangled demon's still body.

* * *

_Spiderman, Spiderman_

_Does whatever a butler can_

_Spins his 'web' to catch his prize_

_Alois is his butterfly_

_Look out!_

_Here comes the Spiderman_

_Is he strong?_

_Listen bud_

_He's got lots of that demon blood_

_Button your shirt, make your bed_

_Be a butler to kill the dead_

_Hey, there_

_There goes the Spiderman_

_Queen's Spider is in a fight_

_At the scene of a crime_

_Like a streak of demon light_

_He arrives just in time_

_Spiderman, Spiderman_

_Stalker, cockblocker, demon man_

_Danna Sama_

_He ignores_

_Bocchan is his new goal_

_To him_

_Souls are a great big snack up_

_Whenever there's a hang up_

_You'll find the Spiderman!_

* * *

**AN: So what did you think of the totally random and crappy plot twist? Leave a review, loves!**

**Finally, Sebby and Cielly-kun got their kiss without being magically cockblocked. Yay.**

**That was quite long. Next chapter will be a little bit more of a filler chapter. OK?**

**You get a sneak peak at the next badassity chapter! Two words: California Earls. I'm having a ball writing it, but it probably won't be up for a couple of days. I'm pretty busy the next week.**

**I shall see you then. Sayonara.**


	13. California Earls

**Hello there, my friends. What time is it? UPDATE TIME! I know, I said I wouldn't update for a while. I was effing wrong. I was in English class again, and I was supposed to be editing my persuasive essay, but FANFICTION IS BETTER. CAN I GET A HOLLA?**

**Ok. That was pretty bad. Sorry.**

**So, I got a question from an anonymous reviewer who JUST HAPPENED to be Amberstar of Madness in disguise. Sneaky bastard. She asked me to describe my friends. Of course, darling Amberstar, you want to know what I think of you all. **

**So there's Amberstar. She's the most like me. Amberstar is crazy, random, and an otaku. I like to complain about her a lot. She likes to complain about me a lot, because I like to flirt with her in public. Even though I'm perfectly straight.**

**There is also Cloud Molester. She is quiet, but she's also my dirty joke friend. We have named our breasts after famous women. We refer to them as real people. Weird, right? Nah. It's pretty normal for my crowd. Us dirty, cray, otakus...**

**Then there's the Crazy Freaking Fangirl. She's insane. She loves Bleach, and Soul Eater, and Kuroshitsuji, and Vampire Knight, and Fruits Basket….and it just goes on and on and on. We fangirl together. Her current anime "boy toy?" Ichigo Kurosaki. Who, in my humble opinion, is an ugly butt. L Lawliet is better.**

**Last, we have Pyrogirl. Pyrogirl is kind of insane. She's a killer type of girl, but she is a scaredy cat. She's also sometimes boy obsessed. With her own boyfriend, whom I hate with great fervor. I like to accuse aforementioned boyfriend of being Kira.**

**We're all just basic introvert otakus who want to take over the world. Don't judge.**

**And those are the only friends I have. I'm a loser, baby, SO WHY DON'T YOU KILL ME?**

**#songreferencesftw. If you get that, I'll give you a Sebby cookie. Put it in your review.**

**Ask more questions, and I'll give you answers. Okey Dokey?**

**So this a filler chappie while I work on a totally awesome new chapter. Who here likes Beauty and the Beast? I do. So anticipate the arrival of Cielly and the Demon. Oh, and Hips Don't Lie. Because Alois knows how to shake it.**

**Enjoy, my darlings. Have this red rose, to symbolize our everlasting eternal love. *High School Host Club Tamaki Moment***

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kuroshitsuji or California Gurls by Katy Perry ft. Snoop Dogg.**

After his previous vacay went wrong, Ciel decided that a new one was in order. So he packed his bags and decided to fly somewhere far, FAR away where Alois the Pervert and his sidekick, Cockblocker Claude, could never find him.

"Sebastian, please purchase tickets for the next flight to San Francisco. We're going to California."

"Yes, young master. As you desire."

So off they went. Ciel packed a decent sized swimsuit (nothing like the Trancy brat was wearing) his sunblock, and a fluffy towel so than he could recline on the balmy beaches of California. Hot damn, he couldn't wait to see Sebastian shirtless...again…

DAMMIT ETERNAL HORMONAL URGES.

As they boarded the plane (Ciel still didn't understand the newfangled gadgets, planes. He preferred a good, smelly, regal horse drawn carriage.) Ciel stared out the window, daydreaming about this vacation. Maybe, for the first time in the 21st century, something would go right for the bluenette earl. He could get some rest and relaxation, and when he returned to work he would be fit to fill out all of that boring paperwork that sat in heaps on his desk.

Yup. Rest and relaxation sounded really nice.

They got off the plane at the airport. Sebastian hailed a taxi, because even though he was one hell of driver, he did not know the San Francisco roads properly. After approximately a day of observing, he would get it. But for now, he relied on the guidance of another human. Namely, a rather homely looking taxi driver he hailed at the airport.

"Can you take us to the nearest beach?" Ciel demanded stuffily. A red eye flight from Virginia to San Francisco was rather long, and Ciel believed that he could take a nice, sunny nap on the beach. In fact, he was looking forward to it quite eagerly.

That's when the taxi driver turned around.

The taxi driver had luscious blonde locks. He seemed to sparkle in the prevalent sunset, and he seemed rather self righteous fro a mere taxi driver. The man was actually wearing a white suit and tie. He held out a red rose to Ciel.

"Hello, my princess. Where can I take you today."

WHY DID STRANGE MEN FLIRT WITH HIM?!

"Just take us to the beach. Pervert." Ciel mumbled.

They reached the beach. Ciel could once again smell the fresh sea breeze. The cool summer air caressed his pale cheeks, and he smiled a bittersweet smile. This reminded him of his days of the Thames with his parents. Such lovely moments, all ruined by the demon's contract…

Forget the memories. Today shall be a happy day, Ciel told himself, as he lugged his own towel out of the taxi with a grunt. Ciel and his faithful servant thanked the driver, who winked at them. "Have fun," he proclaimed, before the taxi swerved around and sped away.

"Let's go, Sebastian." Ciel walked over the dunes.

And promptly covered his eyes.

WHY WAS EVERYONE NAKED?

Apparently, that taxi driver thought it would be an excellent idea to take Ciel and Sebastian to a nude beach. A bloody nude beach. People were not wearing clothes, but prancing everywhere as if it was normal to have your buttocks covered in wet sand.

Ciel hadn't seen so many boobs since the Jack the Ripper incident.

"Se-se-sss-ss-SEBASTIAN! Did that utter FOOL bring us to a nude beach? Sebastian, I can't take it! My poor young little demonly and impressionable eyes! What am I to do? This is worse than Trancy's surprise strip show! I have to get out of here, there are too many naked people, and I might die from witnessing such provocative displays of genitalia! Sebastian, this is an order from your master, remove me at once! I refuse to partake in such idiocy, especi-"

Sebastian cut off his young master's young rant, scooped him up, and began to run like the wind. His face showed an expression of disgust and annoyance, yet it was deathly pale. It was as if an apparition had appeared before the demon…

Ciel turned around to look at what had startled his demon's normally impenetrable facade into an expression of horror.

No way. WAS THE BRAT EVERYWHERE?

Alois Trancy, displaying his unclothed buns. Surrounded by several homosexual looking men. Giving Ciel Phantomhive flirty and suggestive winks. And accompanying him…

Claude the Cockblocker. Fully naked.

Sweet Lucifer in the depths of Hell.

Ciel looked around for the quickest exit, but Alois was upon him.

"Hello there, darling Phantomhive. You think going to California would keep our lust apart? They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I say it increases my horniness…"

Alois purred. Ciel cringed.

"I'll do anything, ANYTHING you ask of me. As long as you don't try to molest me."

"Alright. Sing a song with me, Phantomhive."

And with that, Alois handed Ciel a piece of paper with lines of neatly typed lyrics.

Who knew the blonde could be so precise.

"I'll start. You follow my lead." Alois demanded.

And they began their song, much to Alois' glee and Ciel's detriment.

_Alois: Greetings Victorians_

_Let's take a journey_

_Ciel: I know a place_

_Where my manor's very clean, oh_

_Grass is green and wild_

_Finny's put something in the water_

_Sipping tea, eating scones_

_Laying underneath the oak trees_

_Alois: The demons_

_Break their necks_

_Try'na get a little piece to eat_

_(of our souls)_

_Both: You could travel the world_

_But nothing comes close_

_To the London coast_

_Balls and parties with us_

_You'll be falling in love_

_Oooooh Oh Oooooh_

_Both: We're the London earls_

_We're unforgettable_

_Alois: Booty shorts_

_Ciel: Eyepatches on top_

_Both:Got demons_

_So hot_

_They'll melt your popsicles_

_Oooooh Oh Oooooh_

_Both: We're the London earls_

_We're undeniable_

_Alois: Evil and fierce_

_Ciel: My gun is on lock_

_England represent_

_Now put your canes up_

_Oooooh Oh Oooooh_

Huh. Alois wasn't that bad of a songwriter after all. No lewd lyrics in this one.

_Ciel: Crimes on the beach_

_Alois: We don't mind sand in hooker boots, oh_

_Ciel: My carriage_

_Is prepared neat_

_No bloody feet on the stereo!_

_Both: You could travel the world_

_But nothing comes close_

_To the London coast_

_Balls and parties with us_

_You'll be falling in love_

_Oooooh Oh Oooooh_

_Both: We're the London earls_

_We're unforgettable_

_Alois: Booty shorts_

_Ciel: Eyepatches on top_

_Both: Got demons_

_So hot_

_They'll melt your popsicles_

_Oooooh Oh Oooooh_

_Both: We're the London earls_

_We're undeniable_

_Alois: Evil and fierce_

_Ciel: My gun is on lock_

_England represent_

_Now put your canes up_

_Oooooh Oh Oooooh_

That's when Claude and Sebastian started getting involved. By now, the entire beach of nudes was staring at the two young earls and their demon servants (quite bemusedly, I might add.)

_Demons: Pimp canes_

_Fit and ready_

_Solving crimes when they're gettin' heavy_

_Wild wild London coast_

_These are the earls love the most_

_I mean the ones_

_I mean like he's the one_

_Shoot him_

_Kidnap him_

_Kill for fun_

_The earl's a freak_

_No watchdog's cheap_

_Or spiders, see_

_I'm okay_

_I won't play_

_I love the bay_

_Just like I love the UK_

_Big Ben_

_And Scotland sings_

_London time is everything_

_Demon boys_

_Helpin' out_

_Trancy's ass_

_Hangin' out_

_Booty shorts, Ciel's mini_

_Got tea, no martinis_

_Watchdog, spider_

_For the Queeny_

_Ciel and Trancy_

_Lookie here babies_

_I'll never lie to ya_

_Cuz you're representin' London town_

_Both: We're the London earls_

_We're unforgettable_

_Alois: Booty shorts_

_Ciel: Eyepatches on top_

_Got demons_

_So hot_

_They'll melt your popsicles_

_Oooooh Oh Oooooh_

_Both: We're the London earls_

_We're undeniable_

_Alois: Evil and fierce_

_Ciel: My gun is on lock_

_England represent_

_Now put your canes up_

_Oooooh Oh Oooooh_

Ciel took a deep breath. Looks like the song was over. His torture was over. Face it, he thought to himself. You're never getting a vacation without that clingy brat child.

"Alois Trancy! Get your ass away from me! And put on some clothes, for hell's sake!"

**AN: Betcha never expected a nude beach. Neither did I. But I was thinking about naked people. And beaches. So I put them together.**

**Did you all enjoy Tamaki Senpai as a rogue taxi driver? He was just trying to get a sneak peek at the life of a commoner!**

**Can't wait till the next update! See you then! Make sure to leave me a review. Please.**

**That's all, folks! I'll miss ya!**


	14. Single Ladies

**I honestly cannot keep my hands off of this fic. I said I wouldn't be updating in a while, BUT LOOK WHAT I DID. I'm a really bad child. I think Ciel and Sebastian should...punish me. Preferably with their gorgeous amazing…**

**You know what? I'll stop now. This time, I'll keep my Author's Note tiny, I promise. They've been getting a bit long (read: very long) recently. I hope you aren't overly bored with my incessant ramblings.**

**In case you were wondering, the song I referenced in the last chapter's AN was Loser by Beck. Good song. Check it out.**

**Q and A time….**

**Q: Who is your favorite host [from Ouran Highschool Host Club]**

**A: If you asked me who I thought was hottest, I'd say Kyōya. Or Nekozawa, even though he isn't a host. If you asked me my favorite, I'd say Hikaru Hitachiin.**

**Q: Favorite chapter of Kuroshitsuji?**

**A: WHY DID YOU ASK ME THIS? Just kidding. I really cannot choose, but I'll tell you my favorite arcs. I liked the Jack the Ripper arc, the Noah's Ark Circus arc, and I like the new Werewolf Forest arc. Can't wait to see where Toboso-san takes it.**

**Now, it's my turn! You can keep asking me questions, but I have a few for you! Put the answers in your review. I'm going to tell you my answers too, so you don't feel alone.**

**Question 1: Favorite band/song?**

**My answer: My favorite song (that isn't an anime theme) is 'You're Gonna Go Far, Kid' by the Offspring. My favorite band is probably Nirvana. I don't really have a favorite. But I love them '90's bands.**

**Question 2: Top three OTPs?**

**My answer: CielxSebastian (Kuroshitsuji), LxLight (Death Note), and MakaxSoul (Soul Eater)**

**Question 3: Favorite Kuroshitsuji character?**

**My answer: Ciel Phantomhive. I love him.**

**Gimme yo answers! (I shall never say that ever again.)**

**You make me GLOOOOOOOW but this damn account won't let it SHOOOOOOOW!**

**There's my review appreciation speech. I love you all. Keep me happy. Review.**

**Look at that. I still have a long-ass Author's Note. Ah well. I tried. Read on, my lovelies! **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. And that includes Beyonce.**

When Ciel Phantomhive, ex watchdog of the queen, aristocrat of evil, and the famous guard dog is mad, you do NOT want to get in his way.

Seriously. You might want to start fearing for your precious lives. You might want to run for the hills, build a nice little house to raise your beloved children in, and never come back to place in which you started. For the rest of your life.

Because, when Ciel Phantomhive is mad, he is vengeful. And when he is vengeful, ergo; he seeks revenge, someone is going to die. Or have their pride severe hurt. And that's why he planned the visit to the gay bar.

Why a gay bar, you may ask? Well, the subject of our favorite bluenette earl's efforts, the Earl Alois Trancy, was bound to show up if Ciel did. Not only would he show up, but he'd be watching Ciel's every move. Giving the bluenette so many perfect opportunities to get his revenge. So, with his butler's help, Ciel had made a plan.

The gay bar was crowded with, well, GAYS. Men were everywhere, flirting with each other, giggling voraciously, most sipping on drinks. Ciel spotted Grelle Sutcliff dragging William T Spears along by the arm, stopping for a brief moment to wave at Sebastian.

He couldn't help but feel at home in this atmosphere. It was as if he belonged here...with the men...and the drinks...and the lewd dancing…

Nonsense. Ciel was a Victorian gentleman.

Unfortunately, Sebastian seemed to be reading his mind.

"Is the young master enjoying all the nice manly eye candy?" Sebastian questioned the boy slyly, a small smirk playing upon his lips.

Ciel stopped ogling his butler's nice looking arse. "N-no!" He stuttered. "I am perfectly straight!" He declared, slamming his cane down forcefully.

"Yes, master. As straight as one of those bendy rulers from Walmart."

Ciel nearly strangled the snarky demon then and there.

But it was showtime.

He spotted Alois hanging off Claude the Cockblocker's arm in some spectacular booty shorts. Perfect. The time was ripe.

So he hopped up on the stage, and began his carefully prepared song. He hoped it would leave a dent on the blonde's unbreakable heart.

_I'm not single Trancy_

_I'm not single Trancy_

_I'm not single Trancy_

_I'm not single Trancy_

_I'm not single Trancy_

_I'm not single Trancy_

_I'm not single Trancy_

_I'm not single Trancy _

By the end of this everyone in the club had their eyes on Ciel. He smiled at Alois, who had a usual expression of shock and disbelief, as well as the look of a wounded puppy, on his face. The earl continued.

_Now put your hands up_

_Up in your house_

_I'm trying to get out_

_You're trying to seduce me_

_Dressed in a dress, and getting jealous_

_Cause your bloody demon noticed me_

_He up on me, Sebby's with me_

_Don't pay him any attention_

_I'm a covenant bearer, an eyepatch wearer_

_I'll kill you soon Trancy_

Ciel smirked and began the chorus, swaying his feminine hips slightly.

_Cause I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_Don't be mad once you see my fingers on it_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_Oh, oh, oh_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_Don't be mad once you see my fingers on it_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_I got a smirk on my lips, Druitt on my hips_

_Got you in your tight booty shorts_

_Acting up, tea in my cup_

_I can care less what you think_

He winked at Alois. Claude looked entranced by Ciel's movements, so Ciel stuck his tongue out at the superhero. How mature.

_I need no mention, see Sebastian_

_Don't pay him any attention_

_Cause you don't get a turn and now you gonna learn_

_What it feels like to die Trancy_

_Cause I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_Don't be mad once you see my fingers on it_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_Oh, oh, oh_

_Cause I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_Don't be mad once you see my fingers on it_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_Oh, oh, oh_

Ciel began to motion to his butler, looking at the older demon almost lovingly.

_Don't treat me to the things of the world_

_I'm not that kind of earl_

_Your love's not what I prefer, or what I deserve_

_Here's a butler that makes me then takes me_

_And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond_

_Go die in a hole, Seb's the one I own_

_If you don't, you'll be alone_

_And with my demon I'll be gone_

Cue dramatic pause.

_I'm not single Trancy _

_I'm not single Trancy_

_I'm not single Trancy_

_I'm not single Trancy_

_I'm not single Trancy_

_I'm not single Trancy_

_I'm not single Trancy_

_I'm not single Trancy_

_Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh_

_Cause I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_Don't be mad once you see my fingers on it_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_Oh, oh, oh_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_Don't be mad once you see my fingers on it_

_I don't like it that your soul has a ring for it_

_Oh, oh, oh_

Ciel finished with a flourish, throwing his skinny arms up in the air. The crowd went wild, throwing empty plastic cups and cheap jewelry at the smirking demonling. Alois had a tight grip on Claude, who looked hornier than ever. Ciel shuddered. At least he got revenge on ONE pest. Then, he had an idea to take out the other.

"Hey, Claude! Trancy! Check this out!" the businessman shouted over the pulsing music.

That's when he turned around and smashed his lips to Sebastian's.

Sebastian responded in like, lifting the midget of the ground. Ciel entwined his skinny fingers into Sebastian's raven locks. Both seemed quite caught up in the kiss.

At least that's what Claude thought as he vomited into a dumpster in the back.

**AN: Hope I didn't spoil the end with that wee bit of romance. I couldn't resist. I love SebastianxCiel as a couple. Goddamn.**

**Anyway, that wasn't the best chapter, but I hope you liked it! I think Single Ladies was requested by someone….I can't remember. SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS FTW!**

**Leave me a review! Answer my questions! And wait eagerly for the next chapter!**

**Love ya. See you this weekend, hopefully.** **Ciao.**


	15. Beauty and the Beast (ft Be Our Guest)

**Hello, my lovelies! I promised you an update today, and voila, an update you get. Don't you just LOVE me, my dears?**

**You don't have to answer that. Actually, I'd prefer if you don't.**

**So, I just wanted to say THANK YOU SO EFFING MUCH. That last chapter that I posted got like twelve reviews. All of which were wonderful, complimenting reviews. And I have like 20 followers of this story! I love you guys. Some of you say I have a future as a comedian. I don't think so, but thanks. Most of my wittiness surfaces through a great deal of rumination and frustration.**

**Now, to address questions! Come, Cockblocker Claude, we have business to attend to! To the Smoochmobile!**

**I should copyright that car.**

**Anyway. Someone asked... **

**Q:If you was to have an anime power/weapon/killing thingy, what would it be? **

**A:THAT'S AN AWESOME QUESTION. I would want to be a meister at the DWMA, with pistols, like Death the Kid. If I had to have a weapon, I would want a scythe, but I'm hella clumsy. So I'd probably end up dropping it on myself. Pistols are easier to handle. **

**Now it's my turn to ask questions! I was so happy to see that you guys had responded to my questions, I feel like I know some part of you all now.**

**That was cheesy. So, my questions for you…**

**Q: What are your dreams?**

**My answer: [Please do not take this to heart. You are entitled to your own opinions, I am just sharing mine.] I dream of a world without bias, and especially one without bias to homophobia. I'm going to be honest. Homophobes sicken me. I believe you should let people be happy, and not judge them by their preferences in either men or women.**

**Q: Least favorite Kuroshitsuji character?**

**My answer: CLAUDE EFFING FAUSTUS. Because he wants Ciellykinz. And because of what he did to Alois, which was heartbreaking.**

**Q: Favorite chapter of this story?**

**My answer: My favorite chapter to write was probably...Kiss the Earl. My first screenplay, and the first time you all met Cockblocker Claude.**

**On with the chapter! Read and enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: Me no owny Cielly and Sebby and Claudie and alls of themmy. Nor do I own [or am affiliated with] Beauty and the Beast. That belongs to Disney.**

* * *

_**Our Beloved Cast of Characters (in order of appearance)**_

_**Queen Victoria as the Narrator**_

_**Sebastian Michaelis as the Demon (Beast)**_

_**Ciel Phantomhive as Cielle (Belle)**_

_**Lau as Townsperson 1**_

_**Madame Red as Townsperson 2**_

_**Bardroy as Townsperson 3**_

_**Claude Faustus as Faustus (Gaston)**_

_**Vincent Phantomhive as Cielle's Father**_

_**Alois Trancy as Lumiere the Lamp**_

_**Finny as Cogsworth the Clock**_

_**Hannah Anafeloz as Mrs. Potts the Teapot**_

Narrator: Once upon a time, in the kingdom of London, there lived a handsome young prince. He lived in a beautiful castle up the hill, and his subjects thought him to be the most beautiful thing ever. But he was a spoiled and selfish prince, and ever so vain. He had a hot bod, that much could be said about him, but he loved himself, and only himself. One day, an enchantress in disguise sought the help of the prince. He did not give her a place to rest, even though it was a cold and stormy night. So the enchantress left upon the dear prince...a curse. He became a demon, and tasted the flesh of anyone who strayed near the palace. The only way the demon curse could be broken was by the kiss of his one true love. As time faded away, petals of a sterling silver rose dropped to the floor in the demon's secret chamber. When all the petals dropped, he was doomed. And doomed he was in his own mind, for who could ever learn to love a demon, one who would partake of their soul at the smallest chance?

[Fade out, screen zooms in on a lovely young lady with blueish black hair tied in pigtails. She is in a pretty pink frock, and she holds a thick novel under her shoulder. She picks it up and begins to leaf through the tome. She seems to be standing in a town, with many townsfolk watching her and whispering. She doesn't notice them.]

Cielle: Oh, that was the best book I've read in a while! Fifty Shades of Grey. Hmm. I'll have to keep that one in mind when I have nothing to read.

Lau: Hey, Cielle! Looking lovely over there.

Madame Red: Yeah, I bet you all the men will be falling over themselves to get to you. How I wish they would do the same for me…[sighs]

Cielle: [Shooting them an icy glare] I think not. I am perfectly fine as a single woman. I do not need the 'comforting arms' of a man. Nor do I need his 'eager kisses' or 'touches of passion' or 'actions of lust' or…

Bardroy: [Whispers] Looks like lil Cielle has been reading those erotic romances from the library again, eh? [Addresses Cielle] So you like reading about se-

Madame Red: [Cuts him off] THAT TALK IS INAPPROPRIATE FOR A LADY TO HEAR, MR. BARDROY!

Bardroy: I'm sorry, ma'am. Oh look, everyone! It's Faustus, Cielle's hopeful suitor!

[Everyone turns to look at Claude]

Claude: It is I, Gaston! Aren't I the most handsome man in town, Cielle? Aren't you just itching to get your hands all over me? [Suggestive wink] Don't you want to run straight into my open arms and kiss me until the sun sets where we can make lov-

Cielle: Hell no. Pervert. [Begins to walk away]

Claude: Hmm. I wouldn't do that if I were you…[stops Cielle]. You are the inventor's daughter, right?

Cielle: What's it to you?

Claude: He is poor. I'm sure marrying the best hunter in all of London would make him richer…

Cielle: It's still a no, Faustus. You've been trying for my hand for ages. I don't want you. So quit it.

Claude: I'll take you someday. And we shall have many glorious little Cielle/Faustus babies!

Cielle: I'll say it one more time- HELL TO THE NO. [Stalks away angrily, muttering under breath] And all I wanted to do was return Fifty Shades of Grey to the library…

[Cielle reaches her house, a small cottage in the woods. She sees a note taped to the door.]

Cielle: Hmmm….it says, "Dear Cielle. Your father is going out to chop some more wood in the Dark Forest. Take care. Make some cake or something. Love, your father, Vincent Phantomhive."

Cielle: Dad's going to the dark forest?! But the Demon might get him! I have to go after him, and make sure he's OK! Why is dad so stupid, he knows he might get killed if he goes too deep into the forest. And all for some wood so he can make some more idiotic gadgets…[grabs lantern and runs into forest]

[They are deep into the forest. Cielle holds up his lantern and calls out.]

Cielle: Hello, dad? Where are you? Did the filthy bastard capture you? Do I need to rescue you or something? Alright, apparently not.

[A voice can be heard from the background]

Vincent: CIELLE! IT'S THE BEAST! HE'S TRYING TO EAT ME AND TAKE MY SOUL!

Cielle: Then why'd you leave home, dumbass?

Vincent: I needed to chop wood! I never said I was smart.

Cielle: I'll come get you.

[Cielle runs and stops in front of a very gorgeous man who is looking hungrily at her father. She gasps, holding the lantern out. ]

Cielle: Damn….he's hot.

Vincent: This is no time to be exploring your emerging pubescent feelings towards men! Just rescue me already!

Cielle: Nah. He doesn't look like he's giving you up anytime soon.

Sebastian: [Sees Cielle and drops Vincent] Well well. It's the inventors lovely little daughter. I'll strike you a deal, miss. If you come to my house and be my...toy...for a couple of days, I'll let your old father go.

Cielle: THAT's your deal? BS.

Sebastian: Come on. I'm lonely, and I need some...female company.

Cielle: [Thinks deeply] Hmm. Maybe this will turn into one of those fantasy novels where the girl goes to the guy's house an-

Vincent: I CAN'T LET MY DEAR DAUGHTER GO TO A BOY'S HOUSE ALONE!

Cielle: It's a deal. Take me where you will, handsome stranger.

Sebastian: [Licks lips] Let us be gone, then. Cielle.

Cielle: [Takes the Demon's outstretched hand] Goodbye, father. I'll be back soon. Don't be a dumbass again, I won't be here to save you.

Vincent: NOOOOOOOO!

[They arrive at a dark and stormy castle. With a swish of his cloak, Sebastian and Cielle are on Sebastian's doorstep. Sebastian picks up a devil shaped knocker and knocks on the door of the castle. It creaks open.]

Alois: [Sparkles] Oh lookie! It's master! And he brought a hot chick.

Cielle: Damn right I'm hot. [Flips pigtails] And this demon is SO much better than Faustus.

Sebastian: I'm one hell of a hot guy, that's for sure.

Cielle: So, what do you plan to do with me, oh handsome stranger? Before we..say..get started, may I have your name?

Sebastian: I am Sebastian Michaelis. I am a Demon.

Cielle: Now that I have your name, what shall we do? [Winks at Demon]

Sebastian: Why, I'm going to serve you! Treat you like a lady!

Cielle: [Deadpans] And I'm assuming none of these activities involve a bed and scented candles.

Sebastian: No. Why would we require that, my lady?

Cielle: [Grumbles] A girl can dream…

Sebastian: [Gestures to Alois the Lamp, Finny the Clock, and Hannah the Teapot] These are my inanimate object friends who can somehow talk. We're going to first sing a Broadway song for you! [Objects begin to sing]

_Be our guest! Be our guest!_

_Little Cielle can be the best_

_Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie_

_And we'll provide the rest_

_We know your_

_Really bored_

_So we live to serve your soul_

_Our good master's real delicious_

_Don't believe me? Ask the dishes_

_We shouldn't move but we can dance_

_After all, Miss, this ain't France_

_And your stay here will be never second best_

_Go on, unfold your menu_

_Take a glance and then you'll_

_Be our guest_

_Oui, our guest_

_Be our guest!_

_Tea is good_

_With cheese souffle_

_We set intruders "en flambe"_

_We'll prepare and serve with flair_

_A culinary cabaret!_

_You're alone_

_You're not scared_

_And this banquet's all prepared_

_Don't be gloomy or complaining_

_While the flatware's entertaining_

_We tell jokes! I do tricks_

_I can juggle many sticks [wink]_

_And it's all in perfect taste_

_That you can bet_

_Come on and lift your teacup_

_You've won your own free pass_

_To be our guest_

_If you're damn stressed_

_It's Sebastian we suggest_

[Singers pause and look at Cielle]

Cielle: How impressive.

Sebastian: The lady seems rather delic-I MEAN upset. What does she require from me?

Cielle: I would like a kiss. From a hot demon. I mean, I'm sure it'll be worthwhile, right?

Sebastian: The lady wants a kiss.

Cielle: Yup. It seems you don't want to ravish me. So I want a kiss instead. Preferably with tongue.

Sebastian: Alright. [Leans in]

Cielle: [Leans in]

Claude: [Burst through doors] Hey there, Cielle! I heard my future wife was kidnapped by the Demon, so I came to ride with you away into the sunset and leave the filthy thug behind! Where are you?

Cielle: Kissing the Demon!

Claude: [Looks at Cielle and Sebastian in shock]

Claude: K-k-k-k-k-kissing?

Cielle: [Presses lips to Sebastians]

Sebastian: Cielle is quite delicious…

Claude: NOOOOOO!

Sebastian: [Begins to sparkle] What's happening to me? Oh, I see! Cielle, you broke my curse! I'm human again!

Cielle: Now can we visit your bedroom together?

Sebastian: [Picks Cielle up] Why not?

* * *

Ciel Phantomhive jumped out of Sebastian's arms and pulled off his wig. He removed his dress to reveal the typical attire of an earl.

"That was an abrupt ending. So anticlimactic. The scriptwriters for that movie were atrocious. And why was I so clingy and horrible? I am not like that in real life, am I?"

Sebastian grinned at his young master's complaining. "No, you are not. But you seemed to be enjoying that last kiss there…with tongue, am I correct"

Ciel looked pissed. His contract glowed.

"Sebastian Michaelis. You are dead."

"And you, young master, are tasty."

**AN: And that was the most crack thing I've ever written. Not only that, it had a poorly structured plot as well. Deal with it.**

**Leave me suggestions! I'm having a tremendous writer's block. I need your help.**

**Adios, amigos!**


	16. Trancy And I Know It

**Hullo, hullo. Look who's procrastinating on doing schoolwork and updating this FanFiction.**

**Before I run into the long winded AN like I usually do, I'm going to address doubts. People are saying "NOOOO THE STORY SAYS COMPLETE ARE YOU DONE WITH IT NOOOO!"**

**First of all, I'm glad you like it that much. Second, it's not over. Since this story is a oneshot collection, I marked it as complete because you can really read it at any time. But I will keep updating until I get bored/run out of ideas.**

**Time to answer questions!**

**Q: Favorite Death the Kid quote? (BTW, I love Kid. One of my favorite anime characters of all time.)**

**A: ASYMMETRICAL BASTARD.**

**Q: If you could switch bodies with anyone, real or fictional, who would it be?**

**A: I'm going to give you a list. Sebastian Michaelis, Fang, Maximum Ride, Percy Jackson, Grelle Sutcliff, Mikasa Ackerman, Eren Jaeger, Maka Albarn, Light Yagami. Yup. A lot of people.**

**My question for you this week!**

**Q: What did you think of the Kuroshitsuji Season II Finale?**

**My answer: I know this might get a lot of hate, but I liked it. I'd like to think that Sebastian and Ciel lived happily as demons together for the rest of their lives. **

**This is going to be a shorty short booty shorts short chapter, but I think you guys will like the lyrics in this one. It was one of my favorite parodies to write.**

**On with it then!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for that terribly long disclaimer. Thank you, those who read it.**

Why did the worst things happen to Ciel Phantomhive when he wasn't trying to be a bother?

Yes, the young earl was a child at heart, and was prone to playing pranks, getting revenge on others, eating souls, and the like, but did karma have something against him?

Apparently it did, if it meant the Trancy brat kept following him around. Stalking him. Wanting his children. He was a lot like Sebastian's redheaded creeper, Ciel concluded. He was just as bothersome. And annoying. And he made Ciel want to rip every blue/black hair out of his scheming, plotting, little head.

Especially on that one nice day when Ciel decided it would be nice to get some fresh air. Get out of his big house, for once. Clear his head of thoughts. Ruminate. Plan another vacation that (quite possibly) would fail miserably.

But since he was the former Queen's watchdog, he had to have something happen to him every time the young bluenette earl attempted a task.

And that something was Alois Trancy.

Ciel had let himself out of the house after giving his butler a peck on the cheek ("If I come back and see cat hair everywhere, I will castrate you!") and put the chain with his keys around his neck. He shoved his hands in his pockets and began to walk down the sidewalk, marveling at how good the fresh air felt in his lungs.

The birds were singing melodiously, dogs strutted happily beside their owners, and neighbors chatted with each other easily. A couple of old ladies down the block were watering some wilted petunias in their flower boxes, and even the decrepit flowers seemed to be smiling faintly. Ciel, Mr. Emo himself, had a newfound spring in his step.

But Trancy had to ruin it.

Ciel had just turned the corner, he was about a mile from his house. After all, he was a demon now, he walked pretty fast. He was evidently not paying attention, for if he had looked up, he wouldn't have run into the blonde's bare chest.

"OW! What the bloody hell?"

Ciel rubbed his sore forehead. Was there a wall in front of him or something?

No, unless Alois was an inanimate object. And to be quite honest, Ciel would've liked him to be an inanimate object. Because, do inanimate objects talk? HELL NO? Do they ride wrecking balls into your house? HELL NO. Do they stalk you at a club? HELL NO. Do they follow you to accidental nude beaches? HELL NO. And most importantly, are they perverts? HELL TO THE EFFING NO. They just sit still. They are...INANIMATE.

But Alois Trancy moved a lot. If you know what I mean.

"Ooh, Ciellykins! Are you alright? You look like you're about to die. Or kill someone else."

"Trancy. What do you want with me?"

"Your body."

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, I'm just kidding. Unless you'll give it to me."

"You-you-you-DISGUSTING CREEP!"

"Your words hurt, my future bedmate."

"Just….LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"But I have another song for you!"

"No….wait….DON'T SING IT! DON'T GRAB ME THERE! PUT ME DOWN, YOU BLONDE PERVERT! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?"

"Stop making such a fuss. I'll put you down when I'm done singing."

_When I walk on by_

_Ciel be lookin' like: Just go die_

_I will be an earl_

_Even though I dress like a girl_

_Yeah_

_This is how I roll_

_Booty shorts blonde wig, out of control_

_It's Faustus like a spider (no!)_

_He's gonna eat my soul if I strut too slow_

_Yeah_

_Ah, Ciel look at my body_

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_I work out!_

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_I work out!_

_When I walk into London, this is what I see_

_Everybody stops and they staring at me_

_I got barely any pants_

_And I ain't afraid to show it (show it, show it, show it)_

_I'm Trancy and I know it..._

_I'm Trancy and I know it_

_When I'm with Phantomhive_

_He be all like "Please go bye"_

_And when I'm at the beach_

_I'm in my booty shorts trying' to tan my cheeks(what)_

_This is how I roll_

_C'mon Ciel, it's time to go_

_We're headed to the manor, baby don't be nervous_

_Got Hannah, Claude, and Triplets so I get some service_

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_I work out_

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_I work out!_

_When I walk into London, this is what I see_

_Everybody stops and they staring at me_

_I got barely any pants_

_And I ain't afraid to show it (show it, show it, show it)_

_I'm Trancy and I know it..._

_I'm Trancy and I know it_

_Check it out, check it out:_

_Demons demons demons demons demons yeah! _

_Demons demons demons demons demons yeah! _

_Demons demons demons demons demons yeah! _

_Demons demons demons demons demons yeah yeah! _

_Get some demons man_

_I made a contract yeah_

_Yeah_

_I'm Trancy and I know it_

_Ah, Ciel look at my body_

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_I work out_

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_Ah, Ciel look at my body _

_I work out..._

_I'm Trancy and I know it_

"You're done with that monstrosity, so let me go!"

"I think I'll keep you, my dearest Ciellykins."

"Agh! Don't lick my ear! AAAAH! SEBASTIAN, KILL HIM NOW! THIS IS AN ORDER!"

**AN: Hey, that was fun! I liked writing that chapter, and I like the way it turned out. I hope you do too. Leave me reviews.**

**Anyway, I'll try to make the next chapter longer!**

**See you then.**


	17. Poker Face

**I must really love you guys. Or this FanFiction. Because today is double update day.**

**So, between doing research for a Government Club project, review Science Fair materials, and watching Shingeki no Kyojin (note: WATCH IT. It's freaking amazing.) I have been pretty busy. But FanFiction is always on my priorities list.**

**Since today is double update day, I have no questions to answer. But I'm going to ask you one. The only two genres of writing I'm close to even being fairly decent at are crack (is that even a genre?) and sappy crappy fluffy angsty romance. I am in the mood to write a romance oneshot, (I've already written some. Go check them out. I'd appreciate it.) and I've got some ideas for a new one. But which pairing should I use?**

**You get to vote and tell me! Right now, before you read this chapter, go to my profile. Click 'Bio'. Look at that long long long list of ships. Pick one. Put it in your review.**

**And who knows? Your pairing might get chosen.**

**You know what I have an urge to do? Record an album of me singing the songs from this story. **

**Haha. As if I'd do that. #nevergonnahappen.**

**Anyway, on with the chapter! This is another parody I liked writing. **

**Disclaimer: Bassy's eyes are red, Ciel's hair is blue, I don't own Black Butler, screw you. But you know what I do own? That fabulous disclaimer poem you just read.**

"DAMMIT! STUPID PACMAN MACHINE! WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU WORKING, DUMBASS? OBVIOUSLY, I WON THAT ROUND. SEE THOSE GHOSTS? I'M NOT INSIDE THEM. THEY DIDN'T EAT ME, DAMMIT! ERGO, I WON. I EFFING WON, AND I BETTER GET MY MONEY BACK OR YOU, BASTARD, WILL SUFFER MY FULL DEMONLY WRATH. I WILL SMASH YOU UNTIL EFFING NUTS AND BOLTS FLY OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MACHINE BODY, AND YOU WILL FEEL THE PAIN! MY DAMN PACMAN WON! SO THERE!"

"Young master, I doubt yelling at shady casino games is going to improve your mood. The machine may have wronged you, but you have no reason to beat up on it. Let's take deep breaths together, OK? On three. One, two-"

"SEBASTIAN. EFFING. MICHAELIS. YOU. ARE. NOT. A. GODDAMN. THERAPIST."

"Why, I was simply trying to help you out. Aren't you a trifle...agitated? Maybe we should leave this casino. I mean, I know you are rather upset that Master Trancy kept ruining your vacation plans, and publicly molesting you, but will it really help to blow a hundred dollars on these stupid games and booze? Will that amend the situation?"

"Hmm. I suppose you are right, Sebastian. Always the voice of reason, aren't we? But I feel like the best way for me to feel better about my currently shrinking self esteem right now is to get wasted at a cheap casino, blow my money on these dumbass games and vodka, and wake up tomorrow with a hangover after having possibly screwed you."

"What was that last bit, young master?"

"NOTHING."

"If you say so, my lord."

"Just...go get drunk off of catnip tequila or something."

"As tempting as that sounds, I'm afraid I shall not. I must keep the young master under constant surveillance."

"What, are you afraid I'll get drunk and start twerking on another man again?"

"Precisely."

"Goddamn. Have you no faith, demon?"

"Young master, look at you. You're already tipsy, and MMPHH-"  
"Sebastian, you taste...delicious."

"Young master, I do believe we should be going now."

"Not until I get a better kiss, Bassy."

"Erm...my lord? Are you sure you are feeling alright?"

"Just peachy. Now come here and PLAY with me, Bassy, it's an order! No, wait a minute. Is Trancy here tonight?"

"He's followed you here, as usual. Both he and his butler are currently eyeing your arse."

"Ooh, goody. I have a song to sing him. I just need to...finish this beer…"

"That's enough alcohol for a lifetime, master. Give me the bottle."

"NO. IT'S MINE. GIT YER OWN."

"You're becoming progressively more drunk, my lord. You need to stop before you do something risky, or dangerous...or something that ruins your business reputation…"

"Wanna know somethin', Sebby? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Ooh, looky, a microphone! I'mma sing me a song, 'kay? Make sure Tranny is watchin' me."

"I believe the name is Trancy-"

"GO, NOW! Mmm. This beer is tasty."

"Young master! Don't sing the song, you might...oh god. Too late. Why can't he hold his alcohol? He's a demon, for hell's sake!"

_Mum mum mum mah_

_Mum mum mum mah_

_Mum mum mum mah_

_Mum mum mum mah_

_Mum mum mum mah_

_I wanna kill Trancy, his name is Alois_

_Fold him let him hit me raise it Trancy go die please, (he wants it)_

_Luck and intuition play the chess with pawns to start_

_And after he's been hooked I'll play the pawn that is his heart_

_Oh, oh, oh I'll want him hot, he wants what I've got_

_Oh, oh, oh I'll want him hot, he wants what I've got_

_Phantomhive, Phantomhive_

_Trancy can't read my poker face (Trancy's got to love somebody)_

_Phantomhive, Phantomhive_

_No he can't read my poker face (Trancy's got to love somebody)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face_

_(Mum mum mum mah)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face_

_(Mum mum mum mah)_

_I wanna stab with a hard knife just to see_

_A little gambling is fun when you're with me, (with Ciel)_

_Being a watchdog's not the same without my gun_

_And baby I've got hate when Trancy's dead it's always fun, fun_

_Oh, oh, oh I'll want him hot, he wants what I've got_

_Oh, oh, oh I'll want him hot, he wants what I've got_

_Phantomhive, Phantomhive_

_Trancy can't read my poker face (Trancy's got to love somebody)_

_Phantomhive, Phantomhive_

_No he can't read my poker face (Trancy's got to love somebody)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face_

_(Mum mum mum mah)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face_

_(Mum mum mum mah)_

_(Mum mum mum mah)_

_(Mum mum mum mah)_

_I won't tell you that I love you_

_Kiss or hug you_

_Cause I'm bluffin' (stupid muffin)_

_I'm not lying_

_I'm just stunnin' ,revolver's are gunning_

_Just like a gay in the casino_

_Take your shorts before I kick you out_

_I promise this, promise this_

_Phantomhive is just marvelous_

_Phantomhive, Phantomhive_

_Trancy can't read my poker face (Trancy's got to love somebody)_

_Phantomhive, Phantomhive_

_No he can't read my poker face (Trancy's got to love somebody)_

_Phantomhive, Phantomhive_

_Trancy can't read my poker face (Trancy's got to love somebody)_

_Phantomhive, Phantomhive_

_No he can't read my poker face (Trancy's got to love somebody)_

_Phantomhive, Phantomhive_

_Trancy can't read my poker face (Trancy's got to love somebody)_

_Phantomhive, Phantomhive_

_No he can't read my poker face (Trancy's got to love somebody)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face_

_(He's got to love nobody)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face_

_(Mum mum mum mah)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face_

_(Mum mum mum mah)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face_

_(Mum mum mum mah)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face_

_(Mum mum mum mah)_

"Young master, that was horrendous! What were you thinking?"

"It don't matta wot I wuz thinkin'. But y'know wot I'mma thinkin' 'bout righ'now?"

"My lord, I-"

"Sebastian Michaelis...take me. Take me right here."

"WHAT THE HELL, YOUNG MASTER?! WE'RE IN A PUBLIC PLACE! DON'T JUST GO ABOUT MAKING LEWD DEMANDS TO YOUR BUTLER, OF ALL PEOPLE, WHEN OTHERS ARE PRESENT! WHO KNOWS WHAT THE PEOPLE HERE THINK OF YOU NOW! THAT'S IT. I'M TAKING YOU FAR FAR AWAY WHERE NOBODY WILL EVER FIND US! WE'LL LIVE IN A HUT AND USE FIREWOOD TO WARM OURSELVES AND WE'LL EAT SQUIRRELS AND MAKE TEA FROM GRASS LEAVES! NOBODY WILL EVER SEE US! EVER AGAIN! And I'll be simply one hell of a modern caveman.

"As long as you take me in the forest."

"We really need to get you sober."

**AN: Ahhh. So Ciel's the sexual predator type of drunk?**

***Goes back and rereads entire chapter* Ok, it's official. This chapter is my new favorite for the story. What did you guys think? Review!**

**Adios, amigos! If you are lucky, I shall update tomorrow as well.**


	18. Love Story

**What time is it? Update time! *Cue High School Musical jump***

**Ahem. So anyway, I'm having a snow day today. So I thought I would update for you, instead of being a useful person.**

**Y U NO GIVE ME A PAIRING TO WRITE A STORY FOR?! Come on, guys. Please. I need to write some romance, BUT I CAN'T PICK THE DAMN SHIP! Hey, Amberstar of Madness, you pick one too. I know you're reading this, m'dear.**

**So help me out. Not just her. EVERYONE.**

**Shall we skip my usual long disclaimer? Yeah, we shall. I'll continue on with the chapter instead of making you sit through three or four more long paragraphs of my mundane ramblings.**

**How many of you all actually read these?**

**THE MEXICAN JELLYBEANS ARE COMING.**

**Anyway, I'm going to stop talking now.**

**Oh wait, one more thing! (I just can't shut up, can I.) This is another story in dialogue format. I liked the format from the last chapter, so I figured I'd use it one more time before I went back to my usual narrative style.**

**Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: **

**There once was a young girl in Britain**

**Wrote stories with parodies to fit in**

**She likes anime**

**Procrastinates all day**

**And with Ciel she's utterly smitten. **

**[But she doesn't own him.]**

**(My first limerick. Yippee.)**

"Tell me, Trancy, what makes you think I'll agree to your demands? After all you've done to me?"

"Come on, Cielly! You've made so many movies that I agreed to be in, and all I want to do is make a music video! It'll be fun too! I promise you. We'll have so much fun...together."

"I don't like that insinuation."

"Who said I was insinuating anything? You just have a dirty mind, Phantomhive. What else goes on in that dirty mind, hmm? Maybe I can make some of your fanta-"

"Finish that sentence, Trancy. I dare you."

"Put down the gun! I was just joking around! Unless you wanted me to be serious. Then I'll be completely serious."

"I'd prefer you to be joking."

"Ok, OK! I'm sorry! Please don't shoot me…"

"No promises there. But, as we were discussing, I will not shoot a music video with you."

"Why not?"

"Because I'll be making a complete and utter fool of myself."

"As if you didn't do that already at the bar last week."

"I was inebriated! What do you expect from someone who can't see two feet in front of them!"

"And pray tell, why were you getting slammed in the first place?"

"Because of YOU! Wait, not like that!"

"Oh, so you were afraid I didn't reciprocate your feelings? I assure you, Ciellykinz, I do. Now, how about a kiss…"

"Hell no! Stay away from me!"

"Hmm. Only if you do the music video with me."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"Pretty pretty please?"

"You're annoying me. No."

"Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"NO."

"I want you, Phantomhive. That's all it is. So help me!"

"Hell to the no."

"I'll give you cake…"

"Tempting, but no."

"I'll help you propose to Sebastian…"

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT TO DO THAT? He's so much older."

"That didn't stop you from snogging him. In several occasions. '_Sebastian, take me. Take me right here.'"_

"SHUT UP, TRANCY!"

"Oh, that was quite hilarious."

"If you don't shut your goddamn mouth…"

"Oh, I was practically rolling on the floor laughing!"

"Why do you take such adamant pleasure at my discomfort?"

"You know, I enjoyed it so much that…"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO NOW, TRANCY?!"

"...I took a video, of course! A video that will most likely get acquainted with YouTube if you don't step up your game, collect yourself, and be in my music video!"

"...You're a downright manipulative bastard, you know that, Trancy."

"Only the best for you, Cielly."

"Fine, I'll do it."

"I knew you'd give in!"

"But on one condition."

"My, my, Phantomhive. Always the crafty businessman, are we?"

"I get to write my own lines for the song."

"WHAT?! I HAD SO MUCH PLANNED!"

"Well, I guess I'm out of the deal then."

"Fine. Ok, FINE. Write your own lines. We'll meet in the forest in 20 minutes. Bring the butler."

"I'll see you, Trancy."

"Oi, Phantomhive! I'm over here, my love! Do you have the lyrics?"

"Of course."

"Can I see them?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Stop your whining. You'll hear me sing them."

"Whatever, Mr. Prissybloomers. Shall we begin, Cielly?"

"Yes. Wait...before we start. May I ask why you are in a dress?"

"Because, I'm your princess!"

"...Oh no."

"Claude, start the cameras!"

"...Here we go."

_We were both earls when I first saw you_

_Claude closed his eyes and he smelled your soul_

_We're standing there_

_On a balcony in the manor_

_See the lights_

_See the party_

_The ball gowns_

_See me walk in a servants dress_

_To say "Hello..."_

_Little did I know_

_That you Phantomhive_

_You were Victoria's watchdog_

_And your Bassy said "stay away from my Ciel"_

_And Claude was everything to me_

_I was begging him "Please don't gooo..."_

_And I'll say_

_Phantomhive take me_

_Somewhere we can be ALONE_

_I'll be waiting_

_For you if you ever come_

_You'll be the earl_

_I'm a booty shorts princess_

_It's Kuroshitsuji_

_Ciel just say_

_YES_

_So I sneak out to your manor to see you_

_I'm keeping quiet because I'm dead if you knew_

_So close your EYE_

_Have my demon for a little while_

_And you Phantomhive_

_You are Victoria's watchdog_

_And my Faustus said_

_"You'll taste good, my sweet Ciel!"_

_But now YOU'RE everything to me_

_So I'm telling you_

_I want you..._

_So I'll say_

_Phantomhive I'll be_

_Somewhere in my London home_

_I'll be waiting_

_Bring your demon boy and come_

_You'll still be an earl_

_I'm a booty shorts princess_

_It's Kuroshitsuji_

_Ciel just say_

_YES_

_I'm tired of waiting_

_Wondering if you are ever coming around_

_My covenant was fading_

_But then I met you on the outskirts of London_

_And I said_

_Phantomhive I want you_

_But Claude is trying to eat my soul_

_I've been waiting_

_For you but you never come_

_Is this in my head_

_I didn't know what to think_

_He walked up to me and flashed me his ring and said_

_"Trancy you're pathetic_

_You're always gonna be alone_

_I hate you_

_And that's all I really know_

_I talked to Claude_

_He'll kill you in the forest_

_It's Kuroshitsuji_

_Trancy just say_

_DEATH"_

_Ohhhhhhhh_

_We were both earls when I first saw you_

"PHANTOMHIVE! YOU RUINED IT! AT THE END OF THE SONG, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROPOSE TO ME, NOT….THREATEN TO KILL ME!"

"Stop crying. It was fair. A deal's a deal."

"B-b-b-b-but Cielly!"

"You got your music video."

"YOU PROMISED!"

"...to make a music video with you. We're finished, so I'm leaving. Sebastian, come. I feel the need to lick whipped cream off your bare chest."

"Whatever you require, young master. I will gladly partake in this enjoyment."

**AN: Ok, Scythie, what the eff was that ending?**

**I'm a bad person.**

**Hehe.**

**Anyway, review, please! We just got past 70! That's a ton. But I'd love to hear more of your feedback!**

**And don't forget to go to my profile and pick a pairing! **

**Ciao!**


	19. Bad Romance

**Um, hey there! How is everyone? Not dead? Good.**

**I made you a filler chapter because I'm afraid of death-by-updateless-day. Plus you left me reviews, which made me really happy.**

**Alrighty. Question answering time!**

**Q: How do you come up with the songs?**

**A: I have a tendency to think in parodies. Everything I listen to eventually gets lyrics changed or gets made into a songfic in my head. I'm weird like that.**

**Q: Favorite Vocaloid?**

**A: NOT Miku Hatsune. I think she's overrated. Currently, my favorite is Megurine Luka.**

**My question for you: Gimme one weird factoid about yourself.**

**Damn, that wasn't a question. Oh well.**

**A weird factoid about me: I like watching needles as they plunge into people skin. I promise you, I am not a sadist. I just think it's cool.**

**On with the filler chapter!**

**Disclaimer: How I wish I had a witty one this time. Whatevs. I don't own, home dogs.**

Ciel Phantomhive itched his crotch.

That's right. Stop what you are doing. Go up to that first sentence. Read it again.

CIEL PHANTOMHIVE ITCHED HIS CROTCH.

He was currently in a very uncomfortable situation. And when I say in, I mean IN. It was tight. It was itchy. It was hot. And to be quite honest, he couldn't move around a lot without stretching them.

What, you ask, was he doing?

Sitting on the porch of his house in a pair of leather pants.

Psh. I know what you think he was doing. Perverts.

And why was he itching his crotch in 90 degree weather while sitting on a dirty porch outside and sweating like a filthy, disgusting pig?

Because Sebastian told him to.

Yes, the butler. The one who was supposed to take orders from him was treating him like a stupid and lame dog. A watchdog. But not even a good watchdog, like a German Shepherd or a Rottweiler. The bad one. Like the little fluffy toy dogs with Napoleon Complexes. That kind of watchdog.

It was all because of the damn bet. The bet that started with some delicious cake flavored pocky and moved into a hot makeout session on the couch. And a bet that concluded with a dolled up Ciel in eyeliner and punk rocker clothing.

Currently, he was waiting for part deux of the losing side of the bet. He had to sing another song with that damn Trancy brat as Sebastian chuckled and smirked and giggled and glee. He had to watch with his hands bound as Sebastian slowly and painfully posted the video on his YouTube channel. And then Sebastian got to be seme for a month.

Just kidding. Sebastian was always seme.

But why did he have such a weakness for betting?

Mostly because most bets involved Sebastian's soft, juicy…

Lips.

I know what you were thinking.

Ciel sighed in frustration. When would Trancy arrive? He seemed rather eager to help Ciel out when the bluenette earl called him in the morning and asked for his assistance. Ciel would even go as far to say the blonde was bouncing off the walls in poorly concealed excitement. He checked his watch. Trancy was known for being fashionably late.

"OH, MY DARLING PHANTOMHIVE!"

Goodness gracious. That glomp was almost as lethal as his old fiancee's.

"Cielly asked for me? Does he need me to be in another of his fun videos? I'm always happy to oblige, my darling Ciellykinz!"

"Get the hell off of me, Trancy."

"So cold, my Phantomhive is. So what are we doing today?"

"I lost a bet. We're singing a song together."

"Ooh la la! What's it called? Did you write it yourself?"

"It's called Bad Romance. Sebastian wrote it."

"What do you see in that butler? What does he have that I don't?"

"Hotness. Charm. He's a good kisser. He's smart. And I'm stuck with him for eternity."

"I HAVE ALL OF THAT!"

"But he's one hell of a butler. You're one hell of a crossdressing pain in the ass."

"B-b-b-b-but!"

"Young master! We are ready to film."

"Bastard."

_Ciel: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!_

_Caught in a bad romance_

_Alois: Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa!_

_Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance_

_Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa!_

_Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance_

_Ciel: I hate your demon_

_I hate your disease_

_I hate your everything_

_So stay away please_

_I hate your love_

_(Love-love-love I hate your love)_

_Alois: I want your eyepatch_

_The touch of your hand_

_I want your manor and all of your land_

_I want your love_

_Love-love-love I want your love_

_(Love-love-love I want your love)_

_Alois: You know that I want you_

_Ciel: And YOU know I don't need you_

_Alois: I want it bad, your bad romance_

_Alois: I want your love_

_Ciel: And I want my revenge_

_Alois: You and me could write a bad romance_

_Ciel: (No no no no no!)_

_Alois: I want your love_

_Ciel: I want my bloody revenge_

_Alois: You and me could write a bad romance_

_Ciel: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!_

_Caught in a bad romance_

_Alois: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!_

_I want this bad romance_

_Alois: Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa!_

_Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance_

_Ciel: I hate you Trancy_

_I hate your design_

_'Cause you're a crossdresser_

_And you need to die_

_I hate your love_

_(Love-love-love don't want no love-uuhh)_

_Alois: I want your loving_

_Your gorgeous cane stick_

_Want you in my mansion_

_Baby you're sick_

_I want your love_

_Love-love-love I want your love_

_(Love-love-love I want your love)_

_Alois: You know that I want you_

_Ciel: And YOU know I don't need you_

_Alois: I want it bad, your bad romance_

_Alois: I want your love_

_Ciel: And I want my revenge_

_Alois: You and me could write a bad romance_

_Ciel: (No no no no no!)_

_Alois: I want your love_

_Ciel: I want my bloody revenge_

_Alois: You and me could write a bad romance_

_Ciel: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!_

_Caught in a bad romance_

_Alois: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!_

_I want this bad romance_

_Alois: Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa!_

_Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance_

_Ciel: Walk with your butler baby_

_Alois: Working my booty shorts like crazy_

_Ciel: Walk with your butler baby_

_Alois: Working my booty shorts like crazy_

_Ciel: Walk with your butler baby_

_Alois: Working my booty shorts like crazy_

_Ciel: Walk with your butler baby_

_Alois: Working my booty shorts like crazy_

_Alois: I want your love_

_Ciel: And I want my revenge_

_Alois: I want your love_

_Ciel: I don't wanna be friends_

_Alois: I want your love_

_Ciel: And I want my revenge_

_Alois: I want your love_

_Ciel: I don't wanna be friends_

_Alois: Je veux ton amour_

_Ciel: Et je veux ma revanche_

_Alois: Je veux ton amour_

_Ciel: I don't wanna be friends_

_(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!)_

_I don't wanna be friends_

_I don't wanna be friends_

_(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!)]_

_Alois: Want your bad romance! Want your bad romance!_

_Alois: I want your love_

_Ciel: And I want my revenge_

_Alois: You and me could write a bad romance_

_Ciel: (No no no no no!)_

_Alois: I want your love_

_Ciel: I want my bloody revenge_

_Alois: You and me could write a bad romance_

_Ciel: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!_

_Caught in a bad romance_

_Alois: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh!_

_I want this bad romance_

_Alois: Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa!_

_Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance_

Hmm, Ciel thought to himself. His butler actually wasn't that bad a songwriter.

"Young master, I must thank you dearly for cooperating. You too, Master Trancy."

Alois was on the verge of tears, as usual. "Why do I have to be mocked in all of your songs, Ciel! Can't you just give me a chance?! All I want is to be your bed buddy!"

Ciel cringed. Bed buddy? That sounded rather provocative.

"I'd prefer not, Trancy. You know I don't like being caught in this bad romance."

**AN: Cheesy endings for the win! I'm so punny.**

**See what I did there?**

**Anyway, review! You guys really reviewed the crap out of me last chapter. I was so happy. You guys are amazing.**

**I'm thinking of doing a High School AU [insert shudder] for the next chapter. Your thoughts? And when should I end this oneshot collection?**

**Oh, I also decided on a pairing. LxLight from Death Note. The oneshot will be up soon, so keep an eye out.**

**Adios, amigos! Hasta luego!**


	20. I Kissed An Earl

**Oh my gawsh. 20th chapter.**

**Guys, this is a milestone! I didn't know we could come this far…**

**...and we're at 88 reviews! Two eights! My favorite number! Today must be a good day.**

**So today, since I usually update at least every other day, I'm going to give you this little highschool AU. Even though highschool AUs disgust me.**

**Ew.**

**The song I parodied for this chapter is my theme song. I Kissed a Girl. This song makes me laugh. I love it. So I made Alois sing it. Because I love Alois too.**

**I also uploaded my newest romance oneshot. "Denial Ain't Just a River in Egypt." Check it out, I'd appreciate it.**

**To answer a question…**

**Q: If you could live in an anime/manga world, what would it be?**

**A: The answer to this changes all the time. But right now, I would want to live within the Walls. (Shingeki no Kyojin world/Attack on Titan)**

**Today's factoid about moi…**

**My favorite voice actors are J Michael Tatum and Todd Haberkorn. Who are yours?**

**On with the chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own.**

_Was exactly the way I planned_

_Was my intention_

_I got so bold, ring on my hand_

_Felt sexual tension_

_Men are what I'm used to_

_Want to try a boy on_

_I'm curious- a poof_

_Ciel will be my precious_

_I licked an earl_

_And I liked it_

_The taste of his ear was magic_

_I licked an earl_

_Just to try it_

_I hope Sebas-chan don't mind it_

_It wasn't wrong_

_It felt just right_

_And Phantomhive blushed tonight_

_I licked an earl_

_And I liked it_

_I liked it_

_Oh yeah, I really know your name_

_In this world it matters_

_Got many pawns out in this game_

_Ciel, it's your nature_

_It's not what good earls do_

_But who said I was one_

_Blonde heads get so confused_

_But licking is fun_

_I licked an earl_

_And I liked it_

_The taste of his ear was magic_

_I licked an earl_

_Just to try it_

_I hope Sebas-chan don't mind it_

_It wasn't wrong_

_It felt just right_

_And now I want Phantomhive_

_I licked an earl_

_And I liked it_

_I liked it_

_Us earls have demons- magical_

_Covenants, cane pimps, we're lickable_

_Contracts were made- they'll have our soul_

_To poof to deny it_

_Ain't no big deal, it is their goal_

_I licked an earl_

_And I liked it_

_The taste of his ear was magic_

_I licked an earl_

_Just to try it_

_I hope Sebas-chan don't mind it_

_It wasn't wrong_

_It felt just right_

_GREAT, CIEL STABBED ME TONIGHT._

_I licked an earl_

_And I liked it_

_I liked it_

Ciel Phantomhive shoved his locker shut with a small sigh. Time to go through the monotonous day in his usual monotonous way. Time to walk to all of his classes, listen to the mundane ramblings of his teacher. Time to 'socialize', to gossip, to spread rumors. Time to eat lunch in a noisy, smelly, unsanitary cafeteria, where food fights began and ended.

Time to suffer the routine.

Ciel dreaded school, and not because he was a slacker. In fact, Ciel was the top student, the valedictorian of his grade. Nobody cared, though. In high school, cares were limited to fashionable shoes, breakups, and the amount of likes on an Instagram selfie.

Ciel, to be quite honest, found the manner of high school absolutely sickening.

He was a pessimist at heart. And a bit refined for his age.

Ciel grabbed his binder and French notebook. He glanced at his watch, letting out a bated breath when he saw that he had enough time. Plenty of time, actually. He could take his time on the tedious, repetitive walk to the French classroom.

The teen stopped in his tracks, hearing a familiar click of boots against a linoleum floor. He only knew one person whose boots made that sound…

Alois Trancy. Resident homo.

Alois Trancy was the schools, gossip, the school's playboy, and the school's flirt. He was known for always hanging of the arm of a guy that he had presumably turned gay. He wore the thinnest clothes that could pass under the dress code, and walked around with his posse of perfect girls and perfect guys,

Ciel turned around, eyes already glaring holes into Alois' crop top. Today, the blonde's posse was made up of Hannah Anafeloz (the violet haired beauty), the Triplets (a brutal but silent gang), Claude Faustus (the creepy tall one) and was that...a new guy?

He was dressed in a pair of black jeans and black T-shirt that clung alluringly to the new guy's muscular frame. He was tall with a stunning swimmers build and perfect pale skin. His thin lips were already pulled into a smirk when he caught sight of Ciel.

Who proceeded to blush profusely. Damn. He was hot.

Alois', while Ciel continued ogling the newcomer, had found his way around the bluenette, and scared the wits out of him when he draped a thin arm across his shoulder. "Hello...Phantomhive." Alois murmured seductively.

It was known throughout the school that Alois Trancy had a crush on Ciel Phantomhive, as did his minion Claude. The only difference was, Alois made his infatuation more public. He invited Ciel to parties (Ciel would politely decline, social events really weren't his scene), he would attempt to corner Ciel in the classroom (much to the latter's chagrin) and he had once managed to get the two of them alone in a broom closet. That experience did not end well for Alois' Trancy's southern regions.

He was close to being declared sterile after the blue haired teen's pointy foot came into contact with his precious family jewels.

In the present, Alois continued to stroke Ciel's hair. The bluenette huffed in annoyance. Why did Trancy insist on publicly molesting him so? He did everything to stay out of Trancy's way, but the annoying blonde playboy seemed set on making Ciel his. Even though he probably had at least 3 boyfriends at the moment.

"Come on, Ciel. You know you want me. I know I've wanted you for a very long time."

The poor teen looked at Alois' group of homies to see how they were taking the situation. Hannah Anafeloz was expressionless as usual. The Triplets were whispering among themselves. The hot new guy was examining his nails, which Ciel noticed were painted a shade of ebony black. And Claude stared him down lustfully, licking his lips.

If the blonde was a pain in the ass, Claude was buttsex.

I apologize for the metaphor.

Ciel was about to turn around in Alois' arms and chastise the blonde for the nth time.

But his face rotated, it was inches from Alois'...

AND HE GOT DAMN KISSED.

WHAT THE HELL.

With a yell of anger and surprise, Ciel's leg shot out instantly, kicking Alois where the sun don't shine. The aforementioned blondie screamed in agony, clutching his man jewels and whimpering. Unfortunately, he recovered while Ciel was still wiping the disgusting Alois cooties from his poor virgin face.

Alois leered at him. "How was that for a first kiss, Phantomhive?"

Ciel was speechless.

"I can give you another, if you'd like."

He just...got kissed. By a disgusting….thing.

"Oi, Phantomhive?"

Nothing.

"Will this wake you up?"

Ciel jolted at the slimy, wet, horrid tongue. It glided along the shell of his ear, down, down, until it met his earlobe. There it rested for a minute, before carefully beginning to trace along the crevices of his ear. It reached inside, swirling around several times, before coming out and attending to the earlobe again.

It was vile. Repulsive. Sickening. Nauseating. Revolting. Outrageous.

So naturally, Ciel snapped.

"WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST GO AROUND LICKING PEOPLE, ALOIS TRANCY?! I'VE PUT UP WITH YOUR GODDAMN SHENANIGANS FOR SO LONG. BUT NOW I'M DONE. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST EFFING LICKING MY EAR, YOU BASTARD! HAVE YOU NO SHAME?"

Alois merely smirked and blew his rival a kiss, then walked away, Hannah, Claude, and the Triplets following him.

But the new hot guy stayed behind.

Quickly, he brushed past Ciel, who was still seething. Ciel felt a slight pressure on his arm, then the weight was gone.

He arrived in French class, throwing down the binder in fury. That's when he saw the little slip of paper tucked into his notebook. Curious, Ciel plucked it out of the cover.

_That was a lame-ass first kiss. I can do better. I'm simply one hell of a lover. Give me a call, Phantomhive. I'm sure we'll become great friends. ;) ~SM (1-888-6969)_

Ciel smiled.

**AN: High school AU. I cannot believe I just did that.**

**I disgust myself.**

**Anyway, review and tell me what you thought of that! I'd love it.**

**Next chapter will most likely be posted tomorrow. Hang in there.**

**Thanks for your continued support!**

**Auf Wiedersehen.**


	21. Summertime Sadness

**Hello, m'dears. I promised to update today, right?**

**You. Guys. ARE BADASSITY! Thanks for the reviews and the compliments. Did you know that I haven't gotten a single flame review for this story? Let's just say...that's amazing and I love you all very much.**

**I would first like to take a moment to mourn the ending of SNK. I finished the anime. It was beautiful and amazing and heartbreaking and deadly and badass and violent and PERFECT. The ending was so cliffhangery. I'm dying. I need a Season 2 so bad it hurts.**

**But I totally recommend it. SNK is my new favorite anime. The anime is much better than the manga too. The manga has a lot of translation errors. :(**

**So, I got a request for a sequel to yesterday's high school AU. Hmm. I guess that means I did something right, huh? Yeah. So I'm giving you a sequel, with a parody to a Lana Del Rey song (Summertime Sadness). To the person who requested Dark Paradise, I partly fulfilled your request, see? I'm sorry. I just had an idea for this song.**

**Question answering time!**

**Q: Do you like setting things on fire?**

**A: How did you know?**

**Factoid about me: I am a pervert. Like, I'm insanely perverted. Did you know 69% of people find something wrong in everything said?**

**Also, does anyone else find it ironic that Sebby's initials are S and M?**

**Ehmagawd, I should parody that song.**

**I'm a demon lad, but I'm perfectly good**

**Taste of souls in the air I want them, I love the smell of them**

**Demon swords can break my bones but**

**The tasty whiff excites me**

**Who remembers that song? Rihanna?**

**Anyway, enjoy this chapter. I'll see if I can update tomorrow and/or day after. No explicit promises, though.**

**Disclaimer: I wish I had a nickel, I wish I had a dime, I wish I had a butler who could love me all the time. No, I don't own Kuroshitsuji. Or anything else mentioned. Like the wonderful Starbucks.**

_I'll lick you now before I go_

_Phantomhive madness_

_I just wanted you to know_

_That Ciel you're the best_

_I got my maid's dress on tonight_

_Seduce you in the dark in the pale moonlight_

_Got my hair up in a bonnet with style_

_Tall boots off, I'm feeling alive_

_Oh, my Claude, I feel it in the air_

_Demons eyes are above, all sizzling with their stare_

_Stabbed me I'm on fire, the pain is everywhere_

_Nothing scares me anymore_

_I'll lick you now before I go_

_Phantomhive madness_

_I just wanted you to know_

_That Ciel you're the best_

_I've got that Phantomhive, Phantomhive madness_

_Got that Phantomhive, Phantomhive madness_

_Got that Phantomhive, Phantomhive madness Oh, oh_

_I'm in my booty shorts tonight_

_Cruising in a carriage 5 demons by my side_

_Got my Trancy butler by my heavenly side_

_I know that I'll go and die happy tonight_

_Oh, my Claude, I feel it in the air_

_Demons eyes are above, all sizzling with their stare_

_Stabbed me I'm on fire, the pain is everywhere_

_Nothing scares me anymore_

_I'll lick you now before I go_

_Phantomhive madness_

_I just wanted you to know_

_That Ciel you're the best_

_I've got that Phantomhive, Phantomhive madness_

_Got that Phantomhive, Phantomhive madness_

_Got that Phantomhive, Phantomhive madness Oh, oh_

_I think I'll miss Ciel forever_

_Like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies_

_Death feels better than ever_

_Stabbed through the gut I'm gonna die, die_

_I've got that Phantomhive, Phantomhive madness_

_Got that Phantomhive, Phantomhive madness_

_Got that Phantomhive, Phantomhive madness Oh, oh_

_I'll lick you now before I go_

_Phantomhive madness_

_I just wanted you to know_

_That Ciel you're the best_

_I've got that Phantomhive, Phantomhive madness_

_Got that Phantomhive, Phantomhive madness_

_Got that Phantomhive, Phantomhive madness Oh, oh_

* * *

It had been exactly one week since Ciel Phantomhive had gotten the mysterious and gorgeous new guy's number, He had stared at it the first day, not knowing whether he should call or not. On the third day, however, Ciel snapped and decided to take the risk and text SM.

_Um, hell. [Sent at 3:33 PM]_

_Hell? You don't know my name and you've already got some grudge against me, Phantomhive. What is the matter, pray tell? [Sent at 3:35 PM]_

Ciel's phone vibrated in his pocket and he jumped. He carefully extracted the device and read SM's reply, then groaned, smacking his forehead with his hand. Damn typos. Why did they always happen at the most inopportune times?

_Damn. Typo. *Hello. I'm sorry. [Sent at 3:36 PM]_

_Ha. I thought so. It's alright. [Sent at 3:36 PM]_

_So...what's your name? [Sent at 3:36 PM]_

_You expect me to tell you? ;) [Sent at 3:37 PM]_

_Um, yeah. You gave me your number. [Sent at 3:38 PM]_

_And how does this ensure that I will answer your questions? You have such a naive soul, Phantomhive. I would know. I've contracted with the likes of you before. [Sent at 3:38 PM]_

_What's that supposed to mean? [Sent at 3:39 PM]_

_What do you want it to mean? [Sent at 3:39 PM]_

_Maybe we should talk...you know something about me. You've probably been watching me. You know something, and you're hiding it. [Sent at 3:39 PM]_

_Guilty as charged. And maybe we should talk… it is unsafe to disclose information over phones. I suggest we meet in a public place where it is unlikely we will be followed or pursued. [Sent at 3:40 PM]_

_Starbucks on the corner of Derrick and Arden, then. Tomorrow is the first day of spring break. [Sent at 3:41 PM]_

_It's a date, Phantomhive. [Sent at 3:42 PM]_

Ciel felt a cold and uncomfortable feeling move throughout his body as he set the cell phone down on the table in front of him. His head dropped into his hands, and he sighed. Why did the bluenette have a feeling associating with the strange newcomer would be a big mistake?

Not that he could rethink his decision to meet SM. Curiosity was always a fault of Ciel's.

* * *

He walked into the cafe the next day, feeling quite unsure of himself. Ciel picked a small table for two at the back, not bothering to order anything yet. He wanted to make sure SM wasn't a ditcher.

Before long, the bell on the Starbucks door jingled. It was an ominous sounding ring. Ciel shivered again. This situation was starting to creep him out. Immensely.

SM walked in, looking as beautiful as ever. Today he was dressed in a pair of black leather pants. Laced up boots clicked menacingly on the tiled floor. He was still in that black shirt.

SM walked up to the lady at the counter and shot her a smile. She nearly fainted with excitement, in fact, her face began to pale and she quivered a bit. SM's lips were moving, barely moving, and Ciel knew he was ordering something. The lady handed him two hot cups, he paid, and began to survey the room.

His eyes fell on Ciel, and brightened a bit.

If nothing came of this, at least Ciel got the satisfaction of seeing the counter lady's face and SM moved towards his table. Seductively.

The hot guys were always gay.

Ciel looked up at SM, who was nearly a foot taller than him. He scowled. Being a midget was not something he was proud of, even though he had good looks to make up for his lack in height.

"Hello, Phantomhive, you came." SM looked mildly surprised.

"I'm suspicious of you. Of course I would come to investigate." Prim and proper as always, Ciel replied.

"Before you question the hell out of me, I brought you a drink. Earl Grey Tea, your favorite."

How did SM know Ciel's tea preferences?

Ciel took the cup from SM's outstretched hand, trying to keep his voice from trembling as he thanked the latter. Who proceeded to smirk and take the chair opposite him.

"You're wondering who I am. What my name is. Why I want to meet with you."

"Of course I do."

"My name is Sebastian Michaelis."

Hmm. That name had a nice ring to it.

"I want to tell you that if you'd like, I can dispose of Trancy for you."

That certainly piqued Ciel's interest.

"I'm a contractor of souls, a demon. But I do not have to make a contract with you."

"Why not?"

"Because you're already my master."

"I've never met you in my life."

"Oh, but you have, young master."

Ciel frowned. That name that Sebastian called him...it sounded so familiar. So right...why couldn't he put his finger on it? Why did he feel normal when Sebastian claimed to be his servant? What was going on here?

"Young master?"

"It is I, young master."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You don't remember?"

"Remember what? I know I've been living here my entire life. My name is Ciel Phantomhive. I live in an apartment alone, my parents are dead. What else is there to remember?"

"The bar."

"What?"

"Nude beaches."

"You aren't making any sense!"

"The music video! Bad Romance!"

"What does Lady Gaga have to do with anything?"

"You fell, young master, you hit your head!"

"No, I didn't fall anywhere. I'm just going to leave, SEBASTIAN. You aren't making an ounce of sense."

"Wait...just...UGH!"

And before Ciel could get up and walk away from the obviously insane SM, he was kissed. For the second time in a week.

But this was a good kiss, no, a VERY good kiss. Sebastian's lips were soft as they moved against Ciel's. Soon, the smaller of the two was trapped against the wall, Sebastian's knee pushing his stomach and keeping him from moving anywhere. But he allowed Sebastian to kiss him...it just felt right..

Sebastian Michaelis pulled away and looked his young master in the eyes.

"Remember me…"

* * *

Ciel woke up with a start. Sebastian's pale face hovered over his. He looked immensely worried. The bluenette ear yawned, stretching his tired limbs.

"Good morning, Sebastian. You look a bit ill."

"YOUNG MASTER! YOU ARE ALIVE!"

"Stop glomping me, idiot! Of course I'm fine."

"You were asleep for 10 days."

"W-what? How?"

"You hit your head, young master. While we were uploading that Bad Romance video."

"How did I hit my head then?"

"You tripped on something. And you fell asleep. And almost didn't wake up."

"Are you...crying?"

"Demons can't cry. My eyes are cleaning themselves."

"Sure. But while I was out, I had the strangest dream…"

**AN: By show of hands, who did not expect that?**

**I didn't.**

**Ok, ok. The song didn't really correlate with the story. But you're going to have to deal.**

**Alrighty! You know the drill. Review for me.**

**Buh bye! Til the next chapter!**


	22. Milkshake

**Alright, readers. It's time for a shit filled rant. Prepare yourselves.**

**I feel like shit. I look like shit. My body is acting like a shit. I am so effing tired of being a shit. I am sick as shit and this is making me feel as shitty as shit. Shit will go down if I don't stop feeling, acting, and being a shit. And if shit goes down, shit will go down. It will be as shitty as shit can be, and shittier than the shittiest of all shits. So you little shits better be shitty grateful that I'm shitting typing this like a shit when I should be shitting doing some shitty productive shit.**

**Sorry. I'm typing this now, and I still feel shitty. So enjoy this. I'm terribly sorry I haven't updated in a week. Y'all are going to kill me. I can feel it.**

**For some reason, I got a whole bunch of animal related questions…and an SNK question.**

**Q: Favorite SNK character?**

**A: LEVILEVILEVILEVILEVILEVI. I am a crazy fangirl of Levi. I don't remember loving any anime character as much as him. Except for like, L Lawliet. But my second favorite is Armin and my third favorite is either Jean or Eren. I HATE Mikasa. If any of you all have watched SNK, who do you ship?**

**Q: If you could be any animal, what would it be?**

**A: A narwhal. I'm just kidding. Something that can fly and be badass. Like a hawk.**

**Q: Favorite animal?**

**A: Butterflies. Yes. I know butterflies are insects.**

**Q: What animal best represents your personality?**

**A: Well, I have a weird personality. I am a pervert, an intellectual, and an introvert. Judging by what I've told you all about myself, and the style of my writing, what animal do you think I'd be?**

**Today's chapter contains the best four verses of a song I can think of. You'll see.**

**One last announcement- I believe the end of KuroSongz Unplugged is in the near future. Don't fret. I intend to start a new oneshot collection for Kuroshitsuji, one that is Alois centric. It's in planning. And it's cracky.**

**Enjoy, shits! (PS: I appreciated being called a badass mofo. Thank you, reviewer.)**

**Disclaimer: Shitty people don't shitting own those shit franchises and shit like KuroSHITsuji and shit. Shit. Nor do I own any song shit.**

Sebastian Michaelis was so goddamn TIRED of having that stupid Trancy butler attempt to take his bocchan away.

There you go. He said it. He straight up said it, damn straight, and he wanted to murder Claude Faustus. Because one of the most aggravating things in the world was (in his opinion) going up to the young master's office only to see a vase of fresh roses outside the door.

And the vase, of course, was neatly labeled with a curly text.

"For that sweet, delectable soul that I desire to consume."

First of all, Ciel was a demon. Demons don't have souls.

Secondly, why did Claude not understand that Ciel Phantomhive was Sebastian's and Sebastian's only? Who contracted with the boy on his 10th birthday? Sebastian. Who served the young earl faithfully, obeyed his every command with precision and perfection? Sebastian. Who agreed to remain in the bond even after the boy became a demon at the age of thirteen? Sebastian. Who had been living with him ever since, for the past 200 years? Sebastian. Who knew the boy like the back of his covenant bound hand? Sebastian. Who had kissed him first? Sebastian. Who was his LOVER at the time being? NOT EFFING CLAUDE FAUSTUS, SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS.

So it was with a vigorous sort of feeling that Sebastian decided he would get rid of that despicable, dastardly, master stealing, manipulative demon.

And how would he accomplish the daunting task?

In the form of a song, of course.

Sebastian waited until the young master was fast asleep. It was about midnight, and quite late when the young master's breathing steadied in the bed and his eyes began to twitch as he entered the REM stage.

Sebastian slowly and quietly lowered himself out of the canopy bed (at his master's orders, he had taken to sleeping with the demonling. Not like that, you pervs. Not to say he wouldn't like to sleep with the young master like that…). He crept to the door and opened it silently, taking care not to let it creak and awake the sleeping businessman.

He tiptoed down the hallway, feeling like a ninja. One hell of a handsome ninja, of course. A butler ninja. No, a ninja butler. A handsome, sexy, devilish, hellish butler ninja.

Ahem.

He reached the front door and unlocked all three latches (the young master was quite the paranoid boy...maybe some therapy would fix that.) Sebastian crept out of the Phantomhive household. He chuckled darkly to himself, allowing his butler shoes to become hooker boots and his teeth to become slightly sharper. It was time for a demon on demon face off for his darling young master. He wouldn't let Claude have his young lover.

Sebastian finally reached the new Trancy residence. It was a big house on the east side of Virginia, approximately 40 minutes from the new Phantomhive estate. It was bigger than his young master's place, but not as nicely decorated. The paint and wallpaper were tacky and disgusting, not befitting for one of master Trancy's status.

Sebastian picked up the brass knocker in his pale hand and rapped the double doors three times. The sound resonated throughout the house, and the demon heard footsteps clicking as an unnamed person walked towards the door.

That's when he came face to face with Hannah Anafeloz, Timber, Thompson, and Canterbury.

Honestly, how many demons did Alois Trancy possess?

They were staring Sebastian down, making him feel persecuted and uncomfortable. He shivered as their eyes raked his body from head to toe. He shuddered as Hannah Anafeloz licked her lips, a thin pink tongue caressing her demon mouth.

"What business do you have with Danna Sama?"

Now, Sebastian (as mentioned before) was feeling extremely awkward being placed in such a situation. He was squirming under the pressure. And honestly, he was beginning to regret his choice to exact revenge on the Trancy butler.

So, he yelled the first thing that came to mind.

_My contract brought Phantomhive from the Yard_

_He was like "It's better than Claude's!"_

_Damn right, mine's better than Claude's,_

_I'd never contract you, stupid bastard!_

That did the trick. Hannah Anafeloz looked shocked an scandalized. Sebastian caught her unawares and slipped by her, her skirt swishing as he ran through the front door. The Triplets looked just as horrified, to Sebastian's extreme glee.

He continued to rap/sing…

_My contract brought Phantomhive from the Yard_

_He was like "It's better than Claude's!"_

_Damn right, mine's better than Claude's,_

_I'd never contract you, stupid bastard!_

He yelled as loud as he could. Sebastian felt free.

_My contract brought Phantomhive from the Yard_

_He was like "It's better than Claude's!"_

_Damn right, mine's better than Claude's,_

_I'd never contract you, stupid bastard!_

The halls were slippery, Sebastian thought, as he slid through the dining room and upset a rack full of glass plates. They crashed to the floor in a catatonic harmony, as did all of the forks, knives, and spoons.

_My contract brought Phantomhive from the Yard_

_He was like "It's better than Claude's!"_

_Damn right, mine's better than Claude's,_

_I'd never contract you, stupid bastard!_

He could see Claude. The other butler was polishing a chandelier. Perfect. Sebastian extended his arms into the air above him, screaming his lungs out. By the time Faustus turned around, it would be too late…

_My contract brought Phantomhive from the Yard_

_He was like "It's better than Claude's!"_

_Damn right, mine's better than Claude's,_

_I'd never contract you, stupid bastard!_

Claude fell from his perch, tumbling to the ground in an unceremonious fashion.

And then he cried.

Like a baby.

Mission Accomplished.

**AN: *Cue Mission Impossible theme song***

**How. Freaking. Cracktastical. Was. That.**

**Anyway, comment and tell me how you liked that shit! Ask me questions! Answer mine! You know the drill.  
**

**Ah, it's nice to be back and writing.**

**Hasta la pasta, mis fratellos!**


	23. Radioactive

**Guess who's back? I'm sorry, dear readers, for putting KuroSongz Unplugged on a temporary hiatus. Well, I felt really inspired today, so I'm putting up a chapter. I'll be updating this sporadically from now on, until I work out a satisfactory ending. Yup, this story is coming to an end soon. Sorry.**

**But on the bright side, I really like the parody I wrote for this chapter! It won't be as 'funny' as some of the others, but at least it's something.**

**Questions!**

**Q: Any advice for writing a characterxOC fic?**

**A: *Cue Tamaki's puppy eyes* You want advice...from me? Holy crap. Well, I don't normally read characterxOC fics, but I have advice for you. First, develop your OC before sticking her/him in the story. Make sure there's a backstory and a personality that fits and isn't Mary Sue-like before beginning the story. Draw him/her out, give him/her fears and weaknesses and strengths and accomplishments. Get to know your OC.**

**My second bit of advice is- don't let the romance develop too fast. Take the relationship slow. A story in which the characters get together in the first two chapters is boring.**

**Third bit of advice- PROOFREAD. This goes for any fic you may write. If you know yourself and know you aren't good at grammar or spelling, get a beta. But make sure your story is free of spelling and grammar errors. Am I a grammar nazi? Yes.**

**Now, y'all tell me. In all honesty, how many of you would read an angsty Kuroshitsuji poetry collection? Poetry was the first form of writing I ever got into. I still write it, actually, I just don't let anyone see what I write. But I have a lot of ideas regarding Black Butler, and if enough people say they would appreciate it, I'll put them into action.**

**Now we shall get on with the chapter! (I missed saying that…)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kuroshitsuji, nor do I own the shameless Hellsing reference.**

Ciel Phantomhive was the owner of a successful company, so it goes without saying that he would be an accomplished businessman. He was refined and poised, ready for negotiation. He would address complaints, he would weasel his way into deals, and would remain very stoic and preserved, his posture and words perfect and appeasing to his clients and partners.

But Ciel Phantomhive missed being the Queen's watchdog.

One could be surprised to hear that. But Ciel missed the thrill of an unopened case letter. He missed the rush of foreboding he felt at the scene of the crime. He missed the countless late nights of deduction and thinking, pondering the mysteries that his queen graciously assigned him.

But Queen Victoria was dead. It was the 21st century now, and Ciel decided it would be best to get with the times and allow computer and machines to do the work. But he felt a pang of remorse in his breast. It throbbed with feeling, he really did miss the life of a detective.

So he called Sebastian to his desk one day. They would be visiting a local police station to see if they required any sleuthing assistance. Ciel was almost resentful of the fact that status meant nothing anymore- the fact that he was related to the old Phantomhive family, no, a PART of the old Phantomhive family, did not count for shit in the modern day society.

He strode into the police department with a very clear intention- to make his abilities known. It did not matter if they did not accept him, he would offer them anonymous tips and services. Not out of generosity, of course. Out of boredom, for he was bored. Very bored, so bored that he would do something that would benefit those who weren't himself or the (long dead) queen.

It surprised him.

The door swung open, and a bell sounded. Ciel barely noticed, he simply strode in with a blank expression and slammed his card down on the desk. The lady at the desk (a rather pretty blonde officer) looked up with a start, then gave the former earl a benevolent smile.

"Ahh, look. A little boy. I love kids!" She exclaimed happily, turning her desk chair 180 degrees so she could look at Ciel properly. The latter blanched, removing his hat and looking at the police girl coldly. She flinched, feeling rather uncomfortable at the frightening aura the boy seemed to emanate.

"What's your name, honey? Are you lost?" She smiled weakly, treating this boy like any of her other underage acquaintances. Ciel was lost in a deadpan expression, staring the lady down. He glanced down at her nametag, which said 'Seras.' Hmm. Interesting name for such a mediocre personality.

"I am Ciel Phantomhive. Owner of Funtom Toys…?" He supplied, twirling a pen he found on the desk between his small fingers. He fixed Seras with a stony cold glare, expecting her to say something in return. She eventually replied, after shaking herself of any preconceived notions about the boy. This 'Ciel' was unusual.

"Oh, yes? May I ask what business you have with our police station in particular, sir?" She questioned, pulling out a notepad and a pencil to write with. She tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear and looked over the desk at Ciel, who tapped his foot a couple of times.

"I would like to request a position as a part time investigator in your branch." Ciel replied, official and prideful as ever. He held his head a bit higher, puffed his chest out a slight bit, like a robin redbreast with a mission. He did not miss the skeptical glance Seras offered him.

"Don't you think that's a bit too...old for you?" Seras asked uneasily. Something told her she was treading in shallow water with this boy.

"Of course not." Ciel muttered indignantly. Damn his stature, his abnormally short demon form. He had lived for a very long time. He only wished his damn demon form would reflect that. Ciel was feeling quite irritable at this point. He hoped Seras wouldn't do anything to tip him over the edge, he had no intention of dirtying his brand new coat and burying bodies tonight.

"Then...do you have a reason to want this?" She ventured.

**_I smell fire._**

**_It's burning, you know. I smell it everywhere. Where's mommy, where's daddy? I can't see them, and I'm kinda scared._**

**_Tanaka-san?_**

**_Who are those men?_**

**_Ow, it hurts! Stop hurting me! Daddy, there are scary men in our house!_**

**_Daddy?_**

**_Why is the house on fire?_**

_I'm waking up, my mansion dust_

_My eyepatch off and my contract's bust_

_I'm breathing in the chemicals_

_I'm breaking in, shaping up_

_Then checking out on the London bus_

_This is it, the apocalypse_

_Whoa_

_I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones_

_Enough to make my covenant show_

_Welcome to the Victorian age, to the Victorian age_

_Welcome to the Victorian age, to the Victorian age_

_Whoa, whoa, I'm the demon watchdog, killing is my job_

_Whoa, whoa, I'm the demon watchdog, killing is my job_

_I bring my guns, don my clothes_

_Jack the Ripper's loose now, I suppose_

_He paints 'em red to fit right in_

_I'm breaking in, shaping up_

_Then checking out on the London bus_

_This is it, the apocalypse_

_Whoa_

_I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones_

_Enough to make my covenant show_

_Welcome to the Victorian age, to the Victorian age_

_Welcome to the Victorian age, to the Victorian age_

_Whoa, whoa, I'm the demon watchdog, killing is my job_

_Whoa, whoa, I'm the demon watchdog, killing is my job_

_Go, Sebastian go, sun hasn't died_

_Bring me their bones, straight from inside_

_I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones_

_Enough to make my covenant show_

_Welcome to the Victorian age, to the Victorian age_

_Welcome to the Victorian age, to the Victorian age_

_Whoa, whoa, I'm the demon watchdog, killing is my job_

_Whoa, whoa, I'm the demon watchdog, killing is my job_

**_It hurts._**

"Mr. Phantomhive?"

Ciel started abruptly, his eyes flying wide open. He composed himself, slapped himself mentally, got himself together, and looked Seras in the eye.

Then, to her surprise, he flashed a grim smile.

"Let's just say I've been through a lot. I know how to handle certain...situations."

Seras looked into the single blue orb that peered up at her. She knew the boy was being sincere, most definitely. His eyes showed everything, all of his emotions, and she knew that they held pain as well. The boy had been through a lot. He probably did know how to handle these situations, and she didn't know why, but he seemed extremely mature and collected for his age. Those eyes carried a knowledge of the world she had seen only in the elderly, only in the eyes of people who had lived long lives.

And for some reason, she knew she could trust the boy.

"I can schedule a meeting with Chief Wattson."

It was the last time she ever saw the mysterious boy.

Ciel smiled triumphantly. He was back in the game.

**AN: What was that? I think I just dug myself a hole. Now I'll have to write up Ciel Phantomhive singing to criminals! Yay. But it gives me more material to write before I end this. I'll miss writing it terribly.**

**Please leave reviews for daddy! She loves them very much.**

**And she misses her readers.**

**Adios! I shall update more frequently, I promise! (Now that this story is officially off hiatus.)**


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